Read at your own risk. I am writing this for me. Just me. As Holly mentioned in a facebook post, "Chemo leaves a trail". Yes it does. It is very, very common to experience major depression and anxiety when your treatments are over.  The doctors don't tell you this and it makes sense that they don't because then you would be anticipating it and setting yourself up for something that might not even affect you.  But when it happens, no one who knows anything about cancer treatment is surprised. NO ONE. I don't know why, but I have no warm fuzzy feelings when I hear that it is normal and they all promise it will go away and Hell's Bell's it is a rough row to hoe!
I am well versed in anxiety. I was born anxious and had parents that were really busy with my Hell raising siblings. I was quiet. I stood still, I held still and hoped desperately that someone would notice that I was scared. I think most of my childhood was spent in a suspended state of  "What or who is gonna GET  me today?" Therefore, I as I became an adult I thought I had the world by a string cause by golly I was going to do things differently.  So I had five kids, and shiz, guess what? some of them are pretty anxious at times also.  This is what I learned about how I raised my kids.  I learned that no matter how much I wanted to protect my children from fear, from hurt, from bad stuff in general, it was not my job to hover over them and wreck my own psyche worrying about them. They are supposed to learn how to deal with bad crap and it is my job to let them while hanging around the edges of their lives, to support them and cheer them on when they struggled with the bullies in this big ol' life.  I tried very valiantly and quite successfully to do just the opposite of much of what my parents did and guess what? It was not in my children's best interest because I was doing it for ME! Now, don't get me wrong, I have five extraordinary people as my children and they are all law abiding upstanding citizens and no one is socially retarded or anything like that They are kind, considerate, employed, hug their Mom regularly individuals, but I should have protected them a little less. I should have been late picking them up every once in a while so they would know they could be ok on their own and stuff like that. Having said all that, I don't really have a lot of regret, just a little.
Anyway, as I said before, I am well aquainted with the demon that is "Generalized anxiety" and if you know anything about it, you know that anxiety and depression are good buddies. They don't like to hang without each other, but this I do know, and have a hard, HARD time believing and that is that it always passes. This is my first legitimate go-round with depression and I think I prefer it to anxiety. but both of them together? well that is  just not fair!!!!   I am so sorry for any and all of you who struggle with either because it's just Hell. That's all, it is just so tough and oh..another thing that Chemo does is turn on your tears!  I am so dang stinkin' good at crying now! I seriously didn't even know how but now I do, you better believe me when I tell you that if you are all big and bad and never let your kids see you cry, then they will feel like a freak when THEY cry. They might think that they are baby-whimpy-whimps. They are not and neither are you. It takes courage to cry right out loud. It takes courage to let people know when you need help. It takes courage to get up every day and face whatever it is that seems to beat crap out of you. Other people want to cry more than they do, probably just like you do. You are not the only one.
My mother-in-law whom I adored in life and now, said that phrase that we all either get really pissed if someone says it to us, or, we take it into our hearts, and our brains. At first I was real immature and got irritated when she said it, but one day I realized this: SHE KNOWS MORE THAN ME!!!! And after that I knew she was right almost all the time. Wanna know what she said? She said "This too shall pass" This too. So....what....are you mad or do you believe my awesome Aussie Mama?

What's up buttercup? What's the word, hummingbird? What's the jist Physicist? I love Big Bang Theory. I have been frowned on by others for watching this ever so hillbillyarious sit com. Last night I watched episode after episode cause that sort of thing is my comfort. I, like Sheldon,, have my own 'spot' on the couch, well actually it is the whole couch. After five or six or seven hours in Chemo getting fluids, magnesium and potassium I can only think of my spot on the couch under quilts made especially for me. Then I watch one show over and over, I also absolutely adore "The Middle". I did not know about this little gem of brain candy till recently. Sue Heck is my HERO! Holly made me a little poster with lot's of pic's of Sue with the title "Sue Heck never gives up!" and I look at it every day and it makes me happy. My family will do just anything to keep the Mama happy. I don't think I blogged about my last day of Chemo. Just as I was finishing up, my entire family except Carly who was working all trooped through the door with matching shirts on, which featured a montage of wacky pictures which Holly took one day of me. then they all were personalized with a message from each of them, even the babies! even the tiniest baby Weston. It was so dang awesome. I never feel worthy of the Love and concern and work they all go to for me.  Then I got to ring the "Done with Chemo bell" which is cool but embarrassing all aat the same time.  I have been here many times when other patients have rung that bell. It's a nice touch.
So how bout that texting law?  Myself, I have noticed a large decrease of idiot behavior behind the screen, (not the wheel). For me, I have never texted while driving as I cannot walk and chew gum. Plus, who? who? in their right mind would text while driving after seeing those anti-text commercials on tv, in particular the one where the teenage girl is trying to write an apology to the parents of the child she killed while texting. HOLY SHIZ that would make me stop gum chewing while driving (I can drive with gum, just cant walk across a room). When that ad comes on I just want to jump through the screen and hug that stupid girl! I am a rescuer by nature, and a lover of the underdog. Call me the stupid one but I always think of them and hope they have a good support system as well as and  MORE IMPORTANTLY the victims of the said mayhem. I am getting better about the rescuing thing, as I have to keep my mouth shut much more now that I am a MeeMaw. I am doing pretty well I think, but if you ask the parents of my G-Kids, they may express a wish that I try a little harder.
My parents always taught me not to complain about the weather. Ever. They believed that if you complain about the weather, you are complaining directly about, or to the Big Guy upstairs. So, it stuck and I really try not to complain. This becomes challenging in my most disliked season, Summer. I am not complaining. I am saying that I cant freaking, creaking, wreaking, WAIT for Autumn. I about go nutty nuts when the apples get red, and I can hear the football games commentated just like "Friday Night Lights" and the grass looks nice again, and you get that second wind that helps you be motivated to get back into the yard and make it look all beautiful after the ravages of summer have, well ravaged the yard and my get up and go.  Since I started the big "C" treatment something weird in me will not let me wear short sleeves, even if I am hot sometimes. It is odd. anyone have any ideas why I am wearing a hoody, and yoga pants, shoes and socks? let me know your thoughts.  Chances are, I am just being my own weirdy self! and that's ok. Cheerio Mates!

So hey there all you sugar bears. So first, I am down in the Chemo zone where all the good fun happens!! You see, even though I am done with the tough chemo, I am still privileged to spend many many hours down here in this bright cheerful white clean as a whistle room with my nurses, whom we all adore. You see, I have had three kinds of chemo, two super mean ones, (not mean to me, they love me, they don't love my cancer cells). And one kind of Chemo that is going to keep me visiting the zone till, ohh, about February.  It is called Herceptin. it is a fascinating drug. I have a type of breast cancer that is called HER2 positive. (not the BRCA gene Angelina had, which really sucks if you have that one)!! Sooo I just bop in every three weeks and get me some Herceptin which costs my insurance co about a million bucks and I am grateful. Chemotherapy is EXTREMELY TO THE EXTREME expensive. Just so you know.
Someone took my seat today. I usually sit in the same chair in the corner of windows then I can turn my head when I want to forget where I am and look out at the landscaping which is very green and see all the cars go by on 5th west.  I also see lots of really interesting sorts walking the sidewalk. It's fun! But since my seat is gone and this place is hopping I sit in the middle where I can spy on the nurses. They kill me, they are doing a job that would make the average person cry and run away fast and they do it so wel an they do it fast and they also can just look at you and say "Hey doc, we think this one has a Pulmonary Embolism" and the docs, who are every bit as delightful and smarter than Hell say "OK." and guess what, they are right and then they let me cry and then they hug me and sneak over to buy flowers at the gift shop for me and hug me some more. My bad days in this white clean place are rare. There is not much chitchat between patients and that's ok.  I mean, we recognize each other and say hi maybe but before I started chemo I read up on 'Chemotherapy etiquette"  Who knew there was such a thing? But it says to use your brain and read body language and if they have headphones on then they would rather you leave them alone. Or if they are in the middle of a double issue of People Mag then for sure don't bug! We all just sort of ride this out in a routine that feels good to us.  I bring my favorite "Fight like a Girl!" bag that my friend Tiffany gave me and in it I usually keep my kindle, a real book, my crocheting, and a bunch of other dumb stuff I don't need. I kind of go back and forth and do this, then that blah, blah, but I have a tough time reading which I love to do. It is common to loose all means of concentration cause its sort of like your brain is like swiss cheese. Not gonna lie. It's frustrating as crap. I am spending three or four hours down here every other day because chemo really screws up my electrolytes and so I slide in, they hook me up, give me lots of magnesium which takes sometimes 5 hours.  Oh well. I am grateful for my garden variety of cancer. Who wouldn't wanna be ME!!
'"

"The night is always darkest before the dawn".

Hello all my Peeps!  just sittin here in the Utah heat doing nothing. Fourth of July is such a fabulous holiday and my good noodles! the aerials around our house were very very numerous and I figure if my neighbors can afford to host the  100 south of fire,,, then why do they live on 100 South? Just a little thought that blew through my Chemo riddled mind last night.  I don't mind, after the first year with the new law, not last year but the year before, I swear I thought it was the end of days. People surely do enjoy their big bangs and pretty lights.  I missed them for the first time in a long time last night.  Sometimes my brain does not process my thoughts and emotions appropriately. Don't you just hate when that happens? I mean, you know for sure what is what, and your brain wont let you remember it.  Then you get it back, and all is well, and you can almost feel normal and look around and ground yourself (that's a fancy therapeutic word), grounding helps you know who you are, where you are, and that you are safe and its ok to be peaceful and happy. You look around you and see WHAT IS. You know you are ok but still, that little devil on your shoulder nags and nags.  That, my dear people, is when you need that word called FAITH. That's all. Love you lovelies.

Babysittin' and Residents

Hello All!  Big night for me. It's Friday, and everyone had a previous engagement and I didn't even have to have a babysitter!!Whoo Hoo! Sad but true, that there are about ten days after Chemo where I am a danger to myself and others and it's not a good id a to leave me home alone. Tonight I said to those worried faces, I said "Hey, ya'all just go along cause Samson and I are going to watch us an entire evening of the AWESOME wedding shows! Yes we will watch them until they start over again yes and then when that happens we will watch guess what??? No, really guess what my favorite TV program is? OK, I'll give you multiple choice.
A-Anything on food network
B-CSI reruns
C-The Middle
OK, please text me what your guess is cause it will tell me a lot about what you think of my character.  
I have been thinking today about Residents. It is June and June will forever remind me of Resident graduation, which happens tomorrow.  My seven years at Merrill Gappmayer Family Medicine is so full of fantastic and fun and FUNNY memories.  I love Residents.  I can honestly say, after counting them all up, about 45 in all that I worked directly with, that I cant think of a single one that I didn't care for. Ok, well I did think of one but I am sure if I knew this person better I would like him too. The huge majority, after working with them from little first years, and I swear they grow in three years, anyway, I loved almost all of them and cried at all the graduations.  I thought about what makes these people different than what I see on Grey's, well besides the obvious differences, and way the thing is, these guys and gurl's come into the Clinic and they are NICE! and when they are all done and totally truncky to get the heck out of there, some of them are even nicer. It is amazing to see them grow up and turn into Physicians. They are trained and taught and mentored and helped by a Faculty who sometimes, I bet, drag them through and these Faculty docs apparently, have not forgotten what its like to be residents. I know this because the interns don't usually try to hide when one comes 'round. They have been some of  the funest,  smartest, kindest, most empathetic people that I know and I am grateful for all of them (except that one which I don't have an apreciation for yet:)
While I am bearing my testimony of Family Medicine, just a huge shout out to all the staff that taught me ssooooo veeeerrrrry patieentttttllllyyy!!!! for all seven years.  There was never a day I didn't learn something, and never a day I didn't make a mistake and it was with the Patience of...OH gosh I don't know that they just kept NOT FIRING ME! I worked with a lot of the most Stand-Up people I know and I miss laughing till it hurts with them. Sendin' the love to you darlin' new GRAD'S

Hello all my people! I got a brand new laptop for Fathers Day! I suppose Greg is the smart dude we know  him to be and figured he wouldn't have FD without me, so of course I should get a lovely gift too! Man I tell you that was quite a day as it was Fathers and Joanna's day, Emily's birthday and our brand new little baby Westons birthday too! It was kinda really cool since I had my first baby June 15th on Fathers Day then Jill did the same thing, by coincidence on June 15th and Fathers day. How brilliant is that?  Anyway, our beautiful Weston was born 3 weeks early, and he is a little sick with an infection. The really crappy thing about this is that he has to stay here in the NICU for about 3 weeks. (again, like Emilys little crazy Ivy. But  he is pink and pretty feisty and has to have a Lumbar Puncture today to make sure he doesn't have meningitis.  This is very sucky when you think about it.

I am down here in the Chemo Zone getting My Chemo Cockail #5.  I am going to tell you all a little secret about encouragement. Everyone means well when they talk to you about your crappy disease. Guess what is not helpful?? It is not helpful when you say "Oh but hey, you only have 2 more rounds or 5 more or 8'. The thing about Chemo is, that the medication (OK, it's poison but I hate, double hate, loathe ENTIRELY, when that word is used and it gets used a lot. Really? do you want to sit and chat it up about the poison you received for four hours today)? Anyway, the Chemo has a cumulative effect, which means that each time you get another round and your body, all the awesome cells and all the dumb cells go like this "Uh, they're back, those bloody little flowers with the Pacman mouths are BACK and they dumb cells get entirely happy because they know that your body is tired  of the fight, and that your good numbers are going to go right in the toilet which postpones your chemo and that you have so much less to fight with and that makes the dumb cells happy cause they have a better opportunity to miss being shot by the Pacman flowers like a angry blonde woman with a 38 in her purse

So, my rant is basically saying that it sounds like encouragement when you say hey, "Oh, only 2 more rounds? You got this" what that does to me is  make my stomach squeeze and my head start to sweat under my hat and I AM SCARED!! But hey, now that I think of it, what else are you suppose to say to me. That's a good question. Knowing what I know now, I would say "OUCH" that's all, just "OUCH" but that is just not common knowledge, so when you say the above to me I will just realize how much you care, how much empathy you are feeling for me, how much you love me and my family and how concerned you are. So it's my problem. You are all the best most lovely people a girl could ask for.

So Chemo #5 out of  6 is complete, it will now do what it does best, kills the dumb cells and tries hard not to kill me. In about 2 days it will start to make me wanna drive off a cliff, it will probably cause me to have zero blood clotting capabilities (which is challenging  for me since I am a klutz and bump into things a lot and don't even let me near a butter knife!) and on and on but it wont kill me, and hopefully it wont kill my family either.  I have a husband and 8 kids that are absolutely perfect for what I am going through, and guess what, they go through it too. It is so hard as a Mom to see your kids hurt and get beat down because of what they see me go through. It's tough, just plain tough. Chemotherapy makes you cry...ALOT! bet you didn't know that? and another little funny fact is that it makes your nose run like a faucet ALL THE TIME! it is a bizarre side effect that I am not complaining about, just reporting the facts Ma'am. Oh, and it also makes you dumber than a post, really. You cant believe the words and the names I can't for the life of me recall when I need to!

So, if you are the lovely friends and family I know, please keep us in your prayers.  I cannot do this without them. I just can't.  Thank you Thank you Thank you all for everything you do for us. It is a humbling and overwhelming thought to know so many people care so much for us and you do. 

Love you all, Love me.