When it's time, its time, and it's time.

When its time, it's time, and it's time. 

This is how it goes at the Robinson's when food prep is starts. Someone pulls something out of the pantry. The jar of spaghetti sauce has a exp. date of, oh...lets say 2013. That person looks at the Mom and says "Is this ok? It's a hundred years old?." This is what the Mom say's, "Cindy'd use it." And we use it, and we have never had a horrifying result (lets face it, food poisoning is ALWAYS horrifying.)

My dear friends wanted a quick, but decent read for book club this month. They chose a book I gave away last year without giving a second glance. (I'm such a snob.) The title of this book  is The Christmas Jars. So wanting to move it along quickly I take it to Slab Pizza (not worth it) and gave it a good start. Within, oh, maybe five pages we discover that the main character, a single mom has cancer, which always makes this girls heart rate increase, but to make matters worse, or maybe better in the long run we learn she has Ovarian Cancer.

The words Ovarian Cancer strike more fear in me than just about any other of the bizillion cancers there are out there.

Let me tell you about my friend Cindy (referenced above). Cindy has been a friend of mine for, as far as I can figure, about twenty-five years. At least. Cindy was one of the friends you have that you live very close to, but don't always see a lot because we were both so busy raising lots of kids, and if you are Cindy McDonald, you don't sleep. Cindy and I would catch up standing on the corner on the way home from church, once a month or so, or later not even that frequently.

Cindy didn't sleep much. I'll tell you why. Cindy was busy. She was busy serving in every possible way that she could. She raised seven kids to adulthood, and taught them by example. She bottled a million or so bottles of everything. She made killer salsa, she made PEAR JAM! What a colossal pain in the tushy, (I was her greatest fan and miss my jam!) She attended a million activities, always supporting her children, grandchildren and neighborhood kids. She and her husband ran the concessions at MVHS football forever, she went to every single wedding reception she was invited to, and that was a lot because everyone knows the McDonalds. Really. She sang in the choir, she taught when asked. She did this without a single complaint that I heard anyway. She chatted on the phone with her daughters living far and near every single day (I thought that was excessive till my own daughters weren't just downstairs.) Cindy was a stellar advocate for scouting, she even earned her Silver Beaver! All while I just played 500 with my cubs. Cindy was the BEST dutch oven cook ever! I'll tell you what...that woman went to girls camp year after year after year and spoiled my girls rotten with her cooking. One year I was asked to go to camp and be her cooking assistant. Well, friends, let me tell you, I have never in  my life worked so hard and another thing...Cindy did not clean one single dutch oven the whole week. She broke me in but good! A little story here. One particularly dry year at Camp Shalom, Cindy and I decided to both go to amphitheater. Usually someone stayed back. Well, we put a big 'ol pot of water on to boil and forgot about it and it was under a lovely dry pine. I referred to Cindy's heating source as Cindy's Butane Pillar of Fire! We came back early (Thank the Lord above) and saw it flaming away under an entirely empty pot! WE TOLD NO ONE. It was a miracle we did not set the whole forest on fire. Mortified, that's what we were.

So you know what kind of person my friend was. She quietly went about doing good. Always.

If you haven't guessed, my friend Cindy got the gosh-awful worst diagnosis of advanced stage Ovarian Cancer. She cruised over to the beautiful side two years ago. I had the enormous honor of helping her a little as I am a whiz with a needle  and vomit and all sorts of semi-useful nursing skills.Thankfully I had lots of back-up. I spent hours and hours watching Kelly and Michael during the long mornings, and her game shows during the longer afternoons. Cindy's family had her covered. They, as my own family were all over this nasty illness. I say nasty because my friend endured a huge hell of a lot! I could not for the life of me understand her. I would try to get her to complain! I would try to drag feelings out of her and guess what...that is not how she was going to play it. She would just humor me as I plopped down right next to her on her bed as she would sleep, sometimes smile a little, maybe once in a great while a big smile if I said something entirely inappropriate. She was beautiful without hair, I would tell her her lovely olive/tan skin was NO FAIR! She trooped into that damn bathroom long after I could imagine she had the courage and the strength. She put up with my clumsy first attempts at hooking her up to her feedings. If I ever complained for her what a sucky card she had been dealt, she always said the same two things. 1-It is what it is, and 2-What can ya do. One time, during her last week or so on this tough old earth she was getting a little um...loopy and she was all about her Dr. Pepper that she would suck down and we would suck right back out (she didn't  really eat for all those months) She had all these hospital mugs and insisted she had two more upstairs and she wanted them really bad. There were no mugs upstairs but she was pretty insistent so I said OK..I'll go get them. I zipped home so fast,  grabbed two mugs from my many inpatient visits and zipped back. I set them down, and she looked at them, looked at me and accused me of getting them from my house. Sheesh, she was not as under the influence as I had thought. I did not confess.

My friend Cindy was grace under pressure to the end.
She never missed my birthday, or Christmas. Ever.
She always, always went down the list and asked about every single child of mine.
She never complained.
She had a rock solid knowledge of her truth.
She worked harder than anyone I have ever known.
She loved her family and put them first always. They adore her.
She was loyal to a fault.
She would would be mad if she knew I was putting this out there for you to read.
She would be happy to know it was something waiting, just waiting for me to do.

So, my friend, I raise that freaking dutch oven rubber scraper to you, and miss you, alot. With so much love.

 Always.

I don't know? Do you?

Its a good thing that there is the principal of free agency in this life.  I am a conflicted person.  What can ya do? If you don't want bombardment of the eyes, ears, all your senses then you must not, watch the news, spend anytime on Social Media. You must turn your head, your mind from the covers of magazines in the doctors office. Just when I think that I have heard the worst a person can do to another, particularly heinous in the case of children, some completely demented human does something worse.  What generated this small  rant of  mine, although you know if i am speaking it aloud, I am LOUD, it was something that popped up as I was perusing the pictures and good times of all my homies.  It put me over the edge, I was beyond horrified at this abuse against a helpless infant. The world, the individuals who feel there could not possibly be a loving God, as he would not let these things occur. The World, does not know this....God will not take away our agency. He won't, nope, not gonna do it. I feel ok with this, I believe the plan, I believe that God is far more horrified and that his heart hurts more that ours are at "Man's inhumanity to man". I believe that God loves our guts and everything else about us, even my weirdness. I believe that Jesus Christ is equally as horrified, but, and this is my take on it people, I don't believe they dwell on it, drown in if. I think they help, uplift, remove pain, send their healing spirit and  love, love, love the victims, which is pretty much all of us, then, knowing they have done what was necessary then, they throw a ball in the air, catch it and think "Well here's hoping".  They move on.

 Everyone has a story. Everyone has pain, and for some of us, the pain we have in our lives is the pain of others. The parents, the grandparents, aunts and uncles watching the spiraling downward of a person they adore. The lady in the parking lot watching a struggling elder with their shopping cart, when they watch the valiant efforts of aged, bent over, still on the bike at the gym. Some of these souls cannot even stand witnessing anything they perceive as a person adult or child in distress, big or small. These people feel bad if there stuffed animals are on the floor, they over-empathize with inanimate objects  They must rescue, they must help if they can or look the other way if they cant. These people have an actual name. They are called Over-empathizers.

I am an Over-empathizer. It is a love/hate thing with me. Over-empathizers have a lot of stomach aches.Well actually I don't know if all of us do, but I sure do. Nobody told me that when I when the next door neighbors in my single days, had no food in their cupboards that it was not my job alone to buy the groceries and figure out why the Mom did not put shoes on the kids (they had shoes). It was an agonizing time for me. I about got an ulcer over stuff like this. I went on to repeat this pattern of rescuing over and over. Us Over-empathizers, We like to get in there and fix it.

When my Dad had a devastating stroke back in the Nineties, I had four children, and by golly it was my job to take care of my sweet Dad as much as I could. I would go to the nursing home, try anything to get him to eat, tuck, smooth wash, everything I could do to make it better. I remember going home in the evening to my husband, late, and he would just hold me tight and and wait for me to cry until I couldn't cry anymore. I grieved the loss of my father far before he actually died three years later. I thought I had to bring him to my house and care for him, he was total care and I had nurses aides twice a day that saved my stubborn butt, and incredibly supportive siblings, it just so happened I was the one close by. I was told over and over not to take this on, mostly by my family, but I was just sure I could do it and that my kids would learn empathy for him and they did do pretty well during the whole three months he was there at our home. I say 'whole' three months because that's not very long considering the work it takes to set it all up. Anyway, again, please don't confuse me with Mother Teresa, I honestly just thought it was what you do, "ya do for family" as Frankie Heck says. Well so happens that just a few months into this life experience my dear In-laws were in a terrible accident. That's when I threw in the towel. Greg needed to be in Salt Lake where his Mother was in the Shock/Trauma unit. (side note: rounded the corner one day and there was President Monson in all his humongous glory! The man is tall!). So I gave up. I recognized that I could not keep caring for my father. I found the best nursing home I could find and moved him in. For the next two years, I continued to haul my kids to Springville two or three times a week to visit, I schmoozed the staff with all kinds of treats, I did this and damned if I didn't do it well! So fast forward a few years after my poor father finally passed away.

 I repeated this same scenario with my Mother although with much less grace and empathy. I took care of the details, I paid the bills, I dealt with Medicaid...Holy Moses. I have regrets that I didn't do this part of my mothers life as gracefully, we had a strained relationship, which by the grace of All-mighty God was put to rest, but good hells people all I am trying to say, a million words later is that this is the lesson that I, Joanna Robinson learned oh so painfully, oh so slowly, oh so stubbornly, and to all you OE's out there, I learned that not only did I not have to fix everything, but for crying outloud... I WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO! That's it. I was not supposed to rescue. They had things they had to learn when things were crappy. If there was any rescuing to be done, that task belongs to the Master, the Savior Jesus Christ, whom I am certain was with all these down trodden and hard done by people in my life far more often than I could dream of. I had to understand that we all have to go through hard things, sometimes as in the above examples VERY hard things and that this is how we are refined. Steel is tempered by blistering heats. That is how it is shaped and created for good.

This is what I wish and hope for myself and all OE's, that we know when to step in, and we know when to step back out. That we know, that we live by that spirit that teaches us to do good. I hope that we always help for the right reasons, that we remember that we are instruments in the hands of the Master of all. I hope that when you are going through your own "refiners fire" that you will let others help you, that you will be able to rely on that enabling power that Jesus Christ provides for us, and, of course for others! He will help them. He will help you. The work and tears it takes to learn this is one day, to help you 'figure yourself out', will be worth it. This I know, even in my huge imperfections.

I Love Jesus
I Love You.
Peace out my friends.

"Old habits die hard"

"Little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems." I used to throw that little bit of phraseology out to the universe regularly. Its not really true. I had little kids with some big problems, but somehow these issues are more easily dealt with when said kid can still sit in your lap, which would be around age 20-25, (Once they get married it ain't my problem no more. Also a lie.)
I find it maddening that we are never, ever through learning. Patience is a virtue that I am constantly at odds with. The object of my impatience is almost always....wait for it...ME! Now, I am willing to bet that many of you lovelies who are reading my ramblin are thinking "Me too!!" So why? Why? Why? No, I really want to know. Why can we not give ourselves a freakin' break?

I have a dear friend.  I hang out with her a bit while she is Rehabbing from a MONSTER of a stroke. Today, away from home, dependent on others for almost everything, gone from a life she lived hard, inside and out, even she expressed as we were chatting that she seemed to be feeling bad about herself because, in her words "Other people are so much worse off than i am". This led to a discussion about miracles. Me: "YOU are a MIRACLE! I know you have heard this over and over but not sure you believe it." She replied, "The real miracle is the Mom who takes care of herself and her four kids by herself because her husband decided he was done, it was too hard. She's a miracle." I could not argue with that kind of logic. She also told me to "Never, ever bargain with God." I love this woman, I believe she has been places the rest of us would never understand. I will not be bargaining with God. Ever.

Back to my original question to you and to myself. Why do we beat ourselves up? My friend has every single reason to give herself a pass for awhile, to give herself a break and feel sad, angry, cheated, a myriad of feelings without feeling guilt, but she, as many of us doesn't seem to think that she is entitled to even the tiniest of pity parties. Well by HOWDY if I didn't feel the same way two years ago myself. Did you know that it is possible to be ill at a pain/misery scale nine out of ten, (ten is unconcious) and still fret and fuss about someone else cleaning the bathroom (and worse)? "Old habits die hard".

So LISTEN UP PEOPLE! We must absolutely find that part of us that is inborn, that part that our outstanding Heavenly Parents instilled in us. That part of us that is nice, sweet, kind, and loving not only to every one else, but to ourselves as well. I think that we must, in the loveliest way, TURN VICIOUSLY ON OURSELVES, and be nice instead of punitive, to be loving rather than accusing. To be sweet as opposed to reactive. I used the word viciously because this is a big fat problem. I am tired of suffering, yes, that is what anxiety and constant self-bashing feels like. Its not how the Big Guy planned it.

Sooooo, next time, probably within five minutes of reading this, you hear your own voice criticizing or expecting, stop and say it again, but this time, please BE NICE TO YOURSELF ! as if you were talking to your little tiny self, as if you were talking to the person you love most.

Its hard, like I said "old habits" and it most certainly is a habit. Knock it off ok? Do it for me, I had cancer ya know! (still pulling the card occasionally).

It can be done.
I love you.
I love Jesus.
Peace out for today.

Eggs

There is an old quote that say's, "Don't put your eggs all in one basket." I have said that to my kids a few times, not often however.  I will explain. If you are going to put your everything, your time, your laughter, your work, your tears, your study, your children, your job, or your bestie, your heart,  into one basket, that 'basket' had better be Jesus Christ. For me, that is the only time it's going to be ok for you to have just one basket. If you depend on one person, or one hobby, or one anything to hold you together, like a basket holds the eggs, then what happens when that 'one' person, or object, or that 'one' anything is gone? What are you left with?

"And now my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our redeemer, who is Christ, the son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shatfts in the whirlwinds, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."  Helaman 5:12

Do not misunderstand. I am writing this so that I can read it, and read it, and try and calm my heart, which is taking a beating right now. It is important for me, and for you, to to understand that life was not meant to be easy. Life is always interesting, in that we never know from day to day, or hour to hour what is going to happen, what you will feel like, what awesome thing will happen, and what you will do when the heart wrecking things happen. They don't call it "a vale of tears" for nothing ya know.

I woke up this morning so out of sorts, not in a grumpy way, just something was so off in me. I love church, I wish it was longer! but I could not get out of bed. I finally pulled myself together and was at least ready to go to my YW Mia Maids class. It is one of the best parts of my week. We were getting a new presidency put in today. When the girl's started getting set-apart, the tears started falling down my cheeks and my nose went out of control and all that hard work putting on make-up twenty minutes earlier was destroyed. Now you have to know, I adore these girls. They are wise beyond their years. Every single one of them are the most stand-up individuals ever! So while the setting apart prayers were going on, both the darlings on either side of me put their arms around me, and ya know what? I think the same thing would have happened no matter which of these girls were next to me. The Spirit in that room induced those tears which have been just barely inside me all day and I just didn't know it. Also, I will forever be grateful for the stellar, beautiful, and very wise adults I work with and I think they would agree with me that these young women are teaching us every single week as they do not hesitate to open their mouths and tell us what they feel, what they think, and most importantly, what they KNOW. I love them.

I love the only true comforter, my Savior Jesus Christ.
I love you.
Don't just have a good week, have "the BEST week" (Savannah)

Not all who wander.

"Not all those who wander are lost." JRR Tolkien
"Not all who were taught, say thank you." Jrob

Just something I had rolling through my head that fell onto the keyboard.
If you know me, you know I am not a fan of the Summer months. Yet my parents always taught me never to complain about the weather, because it is equal to telling the Big Guy that he made a mistake.  Summer is absolutely essential if we care to continue eating. How can one not believe that their is a higher power, a God, that loves us enough to pay such detail to it all, for instance, in the Spring, the Crocus pops up, shrinks back down to the earth, then the Daffodils, then they curl back down to the ground, then the Tulips bloom, all in perfect order. Same with the crops. Being the daughter of a fruit farmer, At my young age I was always dang impressed that my Dad could manipuate one crop at a time, Sour cherries, then Sweet cherries, then apricots, then pears, then peaches then apples.  Which one has a decent shelf life? Only the apples!! for crying out loud its all brilliant. (Saying God is brilliant seems lame). My father always said "It always snows on the Forsythia." His way of saying, the winter ain't over till its over. I had difficulty convincing my kids and others that this is always true. Even when it gets so warm some Springs, even I doubt it. but absolutely, in all my 55 years on the big ball, have never seen a year that Winter was not finished till it snowed on the beautiful bright yellow bushes.

Fun fact: My father died on the morning of May 5th, His favorite song ever, was 'The Wintry Day Descending to it's Close. That morning, there was snow on the ground. That afternoon it was a typical May day, requiring the AC to be turned on. Cool ey?

I have a lovely friend, her name is Cindy. She is fighting a ruthless case of Ovarian Cancer. During the summer, I would come into her room in the morning, she would look around and say " Every morning, I wake up unsure of it being morning or evening. That is because she would go to sleep while it was still light and wake up in the light. Time and seasons are a strange concept to me. Last spring and summer was five months of being damn sick in the hospital or having Chemo, therefore, when it was September and it got cooler and the grass was green again and so pretty out, I thought it was Spring. I had lost an entire season. I, by the grace of God, stellar Doctors. and a anti-nausea shot I had with Chemo, a shot that lasts about five days, I never had nausea that the pills couldn't manage.. God knows what we can handle, and I would have driven off a cliff if I had had the horrible nausea. However  I was so confused so much of the time and so terrified it was ridiculous. One day I was talking with a friend and mentioned that there was so much time I could not account for, especially in the hospital, and the time I did remember was triggering the crap out of me! She looked at me and very quietly said, "I prayed that you would not remember." Those prayers were answered. I will forever be grateful.

So again, it is Autumn, my favorite season, as I am certain must be many of yours also. The light bends differently as it shines on my South facing home. I can smell and feel the exact day that I walk out and for me, it is fall. When I was a child, as I mentioned, my father was a High School welding teacher (God love him!) and then he would come right home, change into his dark grey work shirt and pants and would head to Salem where he co-owned an orchard with a good friend of his. He bought the orchard because he wanted my three older brothers to understand the value of hard work and a dollar. My younger sister and I would tag along and I spent years just hanging out in the orchard or the fruit shed, never old enough to help even if I begged. (Really....I could not for the young life of me understand why my Dad did not let me use the pruners! it looked so fun and easy).

I learned one of the most valuable lessons of my life in that orchard with my Dad. You see, we would walk up the hill (it is right there on the south side of the Salem Cemetery) to a small shack. When I say shack I do not exaggerate. Quite old and dark, no electricity that I remember, no bathroom, a little stove, probably wood burning and smelling pretty strongly of tobacco and campfire, and usually a dog. During the spring and summer, my Father would hire someone to help him out and keep an eye on the fruit shed etc. There were two men, If I remember correctly, their names were Red, and Woody. They seemed pretty old to me but in reality, were probably not. They seemed contented living in that shack, grateful for the job. My father would take them once a week or so to the little grocery store in Salem and buy what little groceries they needed, and also, some beer and either cigarettes or chewing tobacco. I remember being a little shy with them but even with their hard living appearances and their lack of teeth, I remember their kindness to me and their laughter and teasing. I am so grateful to my sweet Dad for taking us with him when it was probably a pain,  and for being a gosh-dang stunning example of Christlike love that he showed these lovely humans who were, on the outside so different than we were. He showed us that they were God's children and not one bit less loved, and valued because of their circumstances. My Dad never said any of this. He showed us. And that...dear readers is one more reason why I love Autumn. As JRRT said it so well, "Not all those who wander are lost."

Thanks Valton.

"What if you're wrong?"

I have a lot of feelings today.  They are not exactly good or bad, I don't know what they are.  I am on a quest to try and figure out the best way to rid my body of the hits it took last year for quite a little space of time, I mean in the grand scheme of things, my stupid cancer took, start to finish, 15 months. That's how long the big stuff takes. Guess what? It aint over and I am trying to fight fire with fire. In my case, it left me with weight gain, fatigue, and a lot of aching, pain and frustration. I understand why I feel like this and so I understand what I need to do to try and reduce some of these common side effects.  I have another doctor, that makes nine! who is a post cancer pain dude. He is so great. He is compassionate and funny and passionate about his job. He told me, that when you have cancer, its like you died. You have to start over, nothing feels right and you cant believe the stuff you CANT do anymore. I was so relieved after he told me this. He told me that most of his pts, by the time they get to his office have given up and just say, "give me a pill" so he was real happy that was not the reason for my visit. Fighting fire in my case, means doing stuff that really hurts with the bones and muscles that already really hurt! So, oh well, they are the professionals and one thing I have learned is what I told my darling friend yesterday, very recently diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer...Always, no matter what, obey your Cancer doctors and nurses orders. No exceptions. You might think that you know more than you do, but, what if your're wrong?
I have the most delightful, lovely, smart and selfless girls, which I teach and play with in  my church. I look at them and I know how some of them feel about themselves, I know how they think others see them, and I just want to stand up and yell real loud at them, "WHAT IF YOU'RE WRONG?! Kids struggle as teens. that is nature and if they get to about 16 or 17 it seems like most of the crap they deal with decreases a bit. Texting makes me worried because there is no way for these kids to be able to perceive what was said, if it is something emotionally charged because there is not the human aspect of emotion behind the words.  I always busted my kids when they said "just kidding, or jk" because "just kidding' means "I really meant what I said but I just don't want to get in trouble'. Truth is, I adore adolescent girls. I want to protect them, I want them to love themselves , I want to protect them from the evil out there, especially the evil that wraps itself up in pretty packages. That's extra evil. It absolutely breaks my heart to know what has gone on behind closed doors, sometimes open!
But what if I, yes I, am wrong....I have a Brother who died in a freak train accident many years ago. He was a single father to two beautiful and lovely kids, one boy and one girl. After my brother was killed, it was decided that they would go back to live with their mother, I believe they were 8 and 11. They had a rough grow up, but are now are just the most stellar people with beautiful families.  I confessed to my niece, not to long ago that I had felt guilty for not raising them myself, (at the time I had a 3 year old and a 1 year old). She immediately said "Never feel bad about that. I would not be the person I am today if things had been different for me growing up". Hmmm I was wrong. We are the sum-total of our experiences.  My brother had given them a good foundation and they took it from there, with much help from their mothers relatives. I was useless. 
One of my favorite, kindest, most compassionate people I know, had the most horrifying life that I have ever heard of. You would not even believe her story. I guess that's why she lives her life making sure that others don't have to grow up feeling like she did. She is a bad-ass Angel, just like most of the BACA bikers you see are.(Bikers against Child Abuse) You want to feel protected, just call up the BACA people. They'll have your back in a red hot minute.

Before cancer: That which does not kill us makes us wish we were dead.
In the middle of chemo:That which does not kill us REALLY makes us wish we were dead.
At the end of Cancer: That which does not kill us, really does make us stronger.

Love my readers, who ever you are, jrob

Walt

So I had a lot of time to think this week, it is think or be entirely bored while you are at Disneyland and in the car for a million hours and cant rustle up the enthusiasm to read or watch a movie. I can people watch for hours and at Disneyland there are just lots and lots of people to watch.  I know that it has been said that Disneyland is the happiest place on earth and I smiled for two days straight and I watched people and a lot of people at DL were not smiling.  Maybe that's because they don't know Jesus. Maybe its because they are in crappy relationships, maybe its because their feet are killing from wearing cute, not sensible shoes.  Maybe they don't smile cause no one smiles at them.  Maybe they don't know who they are, and what direction to point their lives in. Maybe too much of a good thing can make you melt like a puddle at Minnie's feet. It is my belief that this world is hard. Life is hard. It is not supposed to be easy, they don't call it a 'veil of tears' for nothing ya know.  But by that same source that tells me life is hard, I know that it is also suppose to cause a great big bunch of JOY too!  It is a mystery to me why it seems, that it is easier to be negative than positive. That it seems easier not to smile than to smile. That it seems that feeling 'put out' is easier to feel, than it is to think, "Hey, I am helping someone here.  We all know that it is in the choices we make every  second of every day. 

I am wondering about Walt Disney. I have not read up on him, other than my friend had a life changing and very vivid dream which Walt was in.  I also love the movie "Saving Mr. Banks" I feel somewhat of a sort of comfort when I watch that movie. I would kill to sit in on hiring interviews for employment at Disneyland. I want to know who they need, who they are looking for, their mission statement, all that. And this is why: Disneyland is magical. I understand why you awesome DL diehards are so obsessed, it's because IT IS HAPPY!!!! and people want to be happy. I have been to DL, coincidentally on the 30th anniversary, and the 50th and the 60th, and two other times. So I have been there five times and I didn't get it till now.  I will tell you, I experienced magic.

Emily, my daughter who rules the checkbook with an iron fist, decided she wanted to take her sweet Minnie obsessed child Ivy to the Breakfast with Minnie and her friends. So I decided to go along, with Holly and Jill. The kids or someone had given me a 'celebration badge' that said "I'm cancer free" on it and I thought nothing of it. You pay, then they take a professional picture of you and then you eat and so we were in heaven I tell you.  We have a young friend in a fight for his life slaying a pretty big case of Cancer. I have a bracelet that I wear that say's 'Seanstrong' and I wanted to get pictures with as many characters as I could holding or wearing the bracelet. We were eating and suddenly one of the employees came out to our table, looked at me and said, "you are brave and we are so happy you are ok, please accept this little gift from our staff. It was  a beautiful little cupcake with a candle which she lit, and said "make a wish" then gave me a card they had written just for me and had all the staff sign and a beautiful long stemmed red rose. Yes, we were all crying, and yes, I am crying right now. So we got awesome pictures with the bracelet with Tigger, and Pooh, and Rafiki, and Minnie, and then the lady with the photographer comes to sell us the picture they took on our way in. It is so happy, it is so bright and full of love and no way was I not going to buy it. It was an eight by ten of me, my girls and my granddaughter, and Minnie on the other side and four smaller photos for 35 dollars. I turned to get my wallet and that kind lady said, "Never mind I am giving them to you."  I think Walt would have been pleased.

The rest of the day went somewhat like that. I know that they are trained to look at the badges, but you cannot train an employee to hug a total stranger who knows what a legit hug feels like. All day long we bumped into employees and I  swear every one of them wished me well or hugged me and I felt the love I tell you. I felt the love of Walt Disney and what he wanted to accomplish and how he wanted his guests to feel.  Where else can you go and get treatment that genuine and that kind. It has to be hard to be on your feet all day and still notice the chubby white Mormon mama's "Cancer Free
badge, and give her a smile and a high five.

So my friends, And I will name some names here, the Phillips Family, The Holdaway Family, The Evensen Family, and all my other DFF'S (DisneyFreakingFans)... I GET IT.

Thanks Walt.

You said WHAT??

I just read my last blog and thought I would add an addendum to it, to the part where I had my Mia Maids practice saying SEX out loud. Apparently I ruffled some feathers. I feel I would like to address the reasoning behind my actions and if you would have come to talk to me, this is what I would tell you.  I had a very, very strong impression about this lesson. I had a very, very strong impression that these lovely, sweet, virtuous darlings that I love, needed to hear from someone, anyone, that it is imperative that they understand how over the top powerful sexual feelings are and that its not just like when you are dying for a waffle covered with Nutella or when you just MUST have a dirty Diet Coke.  It was a small part of a lesson and I wanted them to feel at least comfortable as they could, in a class full of girls only, about the subject. I adore these girls and I have the utmost respect and love for the two adult leaders that were there with me in that class. I would never intentionally cause controversy. Consider the source. Like someone once told me, "Joanna, you just say what everyone else is thinking"

Weird, but good learning experience today in the Chemo Zone. Let me clarify. I still get one component of my three drug chemo regimen. It is the part called Herceptin that, in combination with one little estrogen killing pill per day and one humongous shot that shoots a pellet of drugs that shut down my innocent little ovaries into my gut every three weeks, will hopefully keep my estrogen whore of a cancer at bay.  I have a gene, called HER 2, which is positive in me, along with another progesterone lover. So, that just means that I HAVE NO ESTROGEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN, IN MY BODY!!! And that's ok. (So far no one has commented on my shorts, tank tops and flip-flops in freezing weather! ) These genes are preferable to the BRCA gene that Angelina Ballerina Jolie has. That particular gene  is a mean SOB. I had that test done first thing at my Surgeon (shout out to Jennifer Tittensor rah rah!! I love her!!). Insurance doesn't usually pay for BRCA testing. you have to be in a really high risk category. So the BRCA test people send most of us a lovely little bill for 4 thousand dollars!!!! They have a patent on the test which on my end meant swishing scope three times and spitting it back into a container. Try holding scope in your mouth for a minute or two. See what happens. BURNBURNBURN!!!! Holy Hannah. anyway, the company called Meridian has the patent on this test and so they can charge whatever they well please cause they know you will probably be willing to pay for it to know you do or do not have Brangelina's gene.  I would have made the same call she did. She was brave.
Anyway, they don't 'win 'em all' in the Chemo zone. I had my first experience of one of my co-pts. who, today, along with her family and our nurse, rang the bell for the last time. It slowly occurred to me what was going on. I hate it when my favorite nurse cries and she was crying, not in a YEY it's over way. It was an 'it's all over' kind of cry. It never occurred to me that she wouldn't be ok. She was a talker and everyone knew her and you are just supposed to get better. Only sometimes you don't.  I am so grateful that my Chemo Nurses and  my Cancer Docs decided to take their path in life down my path. It is not an easy job. Sometimes it just plain sucks. They are a different breed of health care workers. I am so grateful for their knowledge and there endurance and their ability to roll with whatever happens and adapt.

So right after they said goodbye to their sweet patient, a couple came back and by golly they were up up upset! So...they vented a little in front of all of us, understandably, and then our nurse, she said have a seat and let me finish here. Then she finished, got a rolling stool, rolled right in front of these distraught folks, knee to knee, looked them in the eye and asked them what happened. What happened was, they were not scheduled for Chemo today but since it was a time and day they have always had, they came, not aware that Chemo staff was only in for a half day due to New Years and all. Now you might think, no big deal, just come back on Friday, which is what the receptionist told them, and it came across to the couple as completely unfeeling and cold and bitchy. WELL let me tell YOU Miss "To Cool for School", (that's not really what I wanted to say..) it is a HUGE deal to come in and not be able to have Chemo. It happened to me once and I was devastated. Like they were expressing to the nurse, you are up and hyped the whole night before, you don't want chemo but putting it off is just the worst cause now you are behind and you have to do the whole anticipation thing all over again and its not something well people can even understand. It's a big deal.

Here's the thing, and this is what I learned again today. It IS what you say and it IS the way you say it. BUT, if you are uncaring and unfeeling and forget that the person standing in front of you, or over the phone, or over a text, is a living, breathing, feeling person, then your message will go down in flames. They will only remember the way you treated them. I am not sure what this sweet couple were more upset about, the message, or the delivery. This pt nearly quit her treatment right then and there because of the way someone chose to treat her. Cancer treatment is ASTRONOMICALLY  expensive and not everyone has the blessing we have of fantastic health insurance like I have. They said they would go to Huntsman right then and there if it wasn't going to cost more. So anyway, after another kind compassionate NP came and spoke with her and smoothed it over and problem solved with them and arranged for treatment in a different place, they may have gone home and never come back.

This was my scary thought. There have been times, even in nursing that I have had less than stellar communications with people. Probably dozens,(well maybe not that much), but what if MY reaction to someone else's problem caused them to feel so defeated and hopeless that they made a bad decision? It could happen to any of us. It's true because I saw it happen today.

I am so grateful for the lovely people in my life, for instance, these peeps today, who show me how to be like them, like Jesus, to be  more kind and less reactionary. They show me that the way you treat others creates or destroys.  My friend  always says' "I cant judge them... I have not walked in their mocs." My hottie therapist husband saysthat "Behavior is purposeful". So I am going to try to think of the purpose of my behavior, my thoughts, by actions and mostly my words. That's all.

I Love you readers of mine! Peace out and don't drink too much. Jrob

Damn Taliban

Bummed. The Taliban is to blame.

So what do you do?  In the scriptures it says that Alma and the Son's of Mosiah were the "vilest of sinners"  and so if they were the 'vilest' then that probably puts the taliban (actually I don't think that word deserves a capital letter, just my opinion) right up there with them.  Seems to me that the attempt to kill someone's faith and spirit, which is what Alma and his dude's were doing, is as bad or worse than seven or eight full grown terrorists, shooting and killing 132 kids and and 16 adults in a school, during an assembly type of activity.  They said that the shooting was justified and do you know why?  Because it was sort of a tradition to shoot kids and Moms and teachers up when the adults were not supporting their evil.  So HELL'S BELL'S is that the most bizarre reason? Did they think that it would garner them a bunch of support? Oh I have a hard time not hating their freaking guts!

It is so weird to me that those cold blooded murderers, along with all their buddies in mayhem, chose to come to earth. Chose to follow the plan of the Savior. I acknowledge that I am neither judge, nor jury. I can hate the sin, not the sinner.  How do people go so wrong. I wonder how many of those individuals will fall under the category of victims of an iniquitous king. "For behold, how much iniquity doth one king cause to be committed, yea, and what great destruction." AND "the sins of many people have been caused by the iniquities of their kings: therefore their iniquities are answered upon the heads of their kings." Mosiah chapter 29.  Hey, I thought that only little kids got that free pass! Turns out so do misled adults. How did that get by me all my 54 years

Anyway, I guess that is one reason why our Prophet's have always asked us to pray for the leaders of all countries. I never thought much about that till today.  I am just one person.  So I am recommitting myself to add that into my prayers. Maybe that will help me stop being so furiously furious at the damn-damn Taliban.

By the way, I am not super smart or informed and I didn't understand till I started reading up that there is a Pakistani Taliban. I know, you are wanting to reply and tell me the rest of what I don't understand but please don't. That's not why I am writing this blog. Only tell me if I made some gigantic mistaken statement.

To Judy Kenison Cannon, I always think of you when I am banging away on my blog. Please forgive my errors in punctuation, on and on! I probably give you such a headache. I wish you could be my very own professor!

Peace out Peeps. I have to write another blog now.

OK... Feeling super festive right now. These are some things I love about the Yuletide Season:

1-Our always Charlie Brown Christmas tree. FRESH! No exceptions. I'd sell my...well I'd sell just about anything in order to have a real tree.  Every year I get a new glittery something to add to the tree and their is lots of homemade from school, or nursery kid creations. Our tree has something for everyone!

2-Our wall of Christmas stockings.  Every single one of us, grandkids included have hand quilted, and decorated and names crosstiched on the cuff. Every single time, since it was only Greg, Emily and I my darling and lovely and talented friend, her name is Janna, Well everytime there was another kid, their was a new stocking completely different and all the same for every in-law and now grandkids.  One year, we got overly excited cleaning up cause we had a new WI game system and we accidentally threw Greg's stocking away. I was pretty distressed. Guess who had a new stocking the next Christmas? Yup.

3-My Mothers Jewelry Chrismas tree. I will explain. She had a friend who took all the costume jewelry she had from like, her whole life, lots of which I remember and she got this ginormous frame, covered the inside with black velvet, glued, in a really awesome fashion all this glittery jewelry into the shape of a Christmas tree, and it even had a starfish pin (so tacky and awesome) on the top. She used this tree as a substitute when she was older and didn't want the work of a regular tree. I put it in her window, in her room for three years when she was in the nursing home.  She would never let the nurses plug it in, OH I forgot to tell you that the creater poked holes in the back and poked through lights from top to bottom and so it was real shiny next to the jewels.  Anyway's, she would never let the nurses plug it in because then the lights would get used up. I WAS SO FRUSTRATED WITH THIS PART and would try so hard to convince her that I could replace the lights but she was just so freaking set on certain things. When she was pretty far gone and could not really express her wants I told those nurses, turn it on and never turn it off for the whole month.  And they didn't.  I hope she got some joy out of it's beauty. To my credit, I thought my sister would want it and I offered it to her but she said no. Therefore, I, without guilt have it propped up in all its boisterous, beauty on my piano. It's worth dropping by to see.

4-I love the memory of my Father painstakingly, one by one putting the long, shiny, pain in the butt ice cycles on our family's tree. I don't know how he did it. He had the patience of Job. I would like to think I could do that, cause it would look awesome but I would end up throwing gobs of them on the tree all at once and calling it good. He was so awesome.

5-Christmas tunes!  Now, look people, we all know that there is some outstanding Christmas compositions out there and then there are some really really BAD, MUY MALO stuff. It is painful for me to listen to a good percentage on the radio stations, but the good outweighs the bad. I prefer instrumental I think, that is the most peaceful to me and calms my over-wired brain.  I just bought the Piano Guys Christmas CD and it is pretty dang awesome. Different, but some of it is absolutely amazing.  By the way, I had no idea that John Schmidt was the piano half of the piano guys!  He doesn't look like what I had pictured. That was a useless comment, but this is a blog so I can use too many words to express my own self. Josh Groban is my exception to my love of instrumental. He is so dreamy I tell you, then hook him up with Faith Hill and I am fallin' on the floor happy.  One of my favorite things in life is a truly fantastic harmony. 

6-Tinsel.  I know what you are thinking, tinsel is tacky. NO ITS NOT! it just has to be the right kind and hung in the right place.  You should see my gold, really retro, like way way old school tinsel I got last year at one of our favorite little shops, The Harmony Shop in Provo.  Its so pretty I just stare and stare at it. Small things amuse small minds, and I love tinsel, so put that in your pipe and smoke it!!

7-My replica of the cardboard, with slits and you put it all together and we all got them in primary when we were little.  You know the one?  Well, we know I have the best most lovely friends and my darling Dana across the street, after getting weary of hearing me year after year yearn after hers, had a copy made somehow and cut it out and made slits and you can see the places where she had taped hers together and that made it all the better!  I just love it and it replaced my porcelain nativity scene, which was always just a little uncomfortably fancy for me.  I love it and will use it FOREVER!  Shout out to Mark and Dana. Thank you again.

8-Lights, duh, everyone loves Christmas lights. I love other peoples lights but I will admit that our own, outside lights which I am in charge of give me a little heart-burn. There is a movie which is a cult classic favorite around here, It is called Mixed Nuts and it is Hillbillyarious I tell you! there are a lot of stars in it and Rita Wilson has a battle with the lights she is trying to put up and I just want to cry cause I relate so well.

9-Christmas movies. Are they not calming and comforting?  Some of our favorites are the following:

Mixed Nuts
Elf
The Grinch
Lost in paradise (its naughty but funny)
The Family Stone
Muppet Christmas Carol
White Christmas
HOME ALONE TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE CAUSE IT HAS THE PIGEON LADY AND SHE ROCKS THE SCREEN!
Christmas Vacation (my tradition is to watch this while wrapping presents) its so stupid funny!

Don't you all just quote the Grinch all year long?  We do. "Even if we are HORRIBLY mangled, ther'll be no sad faces on Christmas."

10- I Love Jesus. A lot. How I would have gotten through the past year with out God and my Savior I have no idea. I don't think I could have, or if I did I would have come through it a lot more battered, body and spirit. Thanks for all your prayers. No really...THANK YOU.

Balance

Went to a funeral today. Haven't  been to one for a year, since my Mom's and that was way different cause I was sort of the boss of it.  My Mother left explicit instructions as to how her funeral would go down.  I knew all about the hand written instructions, reassured her many times that I had everything in a folder and would carry out all her wishes.  Wellllll.... When my Mom died, I went home and went to the folder and opened it up and guess what?? Everything was there in order to get her all buried up in the right spot and all paid for and everything was there EXCEPT her handwritten instructions. They had seriously vanished. I looked and looked and they, and I swear this were always there when I had opened that folder before. They were gone and stayed gone and I never did find them.  I think that she had a nice, lovely funeral even without her marching orders.  So I figured that gave us license to do as we pleased.  She was quite controlling in her life. It made it hard to deal with her when she had to have everything just so. I suppose that was her way of maintaining a secure feeling.  I am quite sure she has still not forgiven me for moving her out of her home of 45 years.  I was not very sympathetic at the time, what had to be done, had to be done. That was that. Looking at it now, a year later, I get it. I have not had much control over my life during 2014. I went through it all, cause that's what you do. You just do what has to be done.  That is no way to lead a life. I really wish I would have spent more time thinking about what we all experienced this past year, because eventually you have to think about it. You have to REALLY think about it, and it is not pleasant and it is damn scary. I fight and fight and fight with myself to stay positive which must be why people are so kind and say I am so strong and that I am inspirational (WHHAAT?) and all that kind of stuff when really they just see me dressed with my fohawk nicely parted and on my feet. They don't know how I have handled any of it, really.  They are just seeing me, looking and acting normal. There is no normal anymore.  Once you have cancer, every single day is a struggle not to worry. It was suggested to my by one of my life coaches (bahaha) one of my shrinks that is, that I not shoot for having a positive day, but maybe just a realistic day.  So, being the excellent client I am, I am taking his advice and shooting for real days. I wish I knew someone like me, someone that is just so much like me that they would just know what I was thinking and feeling. I know, I know, you are all saying that I do, and of course I know that "I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and I love him" I know he is always there. I know that, but sometimes I need a real person right next to me that "gets" me. But then again, maybe, like the funeral of an absolutely stellar individual, I need to think less and just live a little more.  The motto of this man was "Work hard, Play hard".  When I think of him, I think of three things. First I know this man has a testimony that is second to NONE! He has strengthened my testimony, at girls camp, several years in a row. The second thing I think of is a picture in my mind of him with a toilet plunger, cause trust me, at girls camp, if you sign up as a priesthood leader, you must  know your way around the biffy!  The third thing I think of when I think of this man is what a hard worker he is. I didn't see much down time for him. He worked hard at girls camp but apparently knew how to play hard also. All I can think of is that he must have been "Too good for this earth". So, as a little shout out to Randy Loveless, I will "work hard, and play hard". I hope to be able to have balance as he did. I hope to be a force for good as he was. Needless to say, I will not be writing out my own funeral plan, accompanist included! Peace out my friends.

Read at your own risk. I am writing this for me. Just me. As Holly mentioned in a facebook post, "Chemo leaves a trail". Yes it does. It is very, very common to experience major depression and anxiety when your treatments are over.  The doctors don't tell you this and it makes sense that they don't because then you would be anticipating it and setting yourself up for something that might not even affect you.  But when it happens, no one who knows anything about cancer treatment is surprised. NO ONE. I don't know why, but I have no warm fuzzy feelings when I hear that it is normal and they all promise it will go away and Hell's Bell's it is a rough row to hoe!
I am well versed in anxiety. I was born anxious and had parents that were really busy with my Hell raising siblings. I was quiet. I stood still, I held still and hoped desperately that someone would notice that I was scared. I think most of my childhood was spent in a suspended state of  "What or who is gonna GET  me today?" Therefore, I as I became an adult I thought I had the world by a string cause by golly I was going to do things differently.  So I had five kids, and shiz, guess what? some of them are pretty anxious at times also.  This is what I learned about how I raised my kids.  I learned that no matter how much I wanted to protect my children from fear, from hurt, from bad stuff in general, it was not my job to hover over them and wreck my own psyche worrying about them. They are supposed to learn how to deal with bad crap and it is my job to let them while hanging around the edges of their lives, to support them and cheer them on when they struggled with the bullies in this big ol' life.  I tried very valiantly and quite successfully to do just the opposite of much of what my parents did and guess what? It was not in my children's best interest because I was doing it for ME! Now, don't get me wrong, I have five extraordinary people as my children and they are all law abiding upstanding citizens and no one is socially retarded or anything like that They are kind, considerate, employed, hug their Mom regularly individuals, but I should have protected them a little less. I should have been late picking them up every once in a while so they would know they could be ok on their own and stuff like that. Having said all that, I don't really have a lot of regret, just a little.
Anyway, as I said before, I am well aquainted with the demon that is "Generalized anxiety" and if you know anything about it, you know that anxiety and depression are good buddies. They don't like to hang without each other, but this I do know, and have a hard, HARD time believing and that is that it always passes. This is my first legitimate go-round with depression and I think I prefer it to anxiety. but both of them together? well that is  just not fair!!!!   I am so sorry for any and all of you who struggle with either because it's just Hell. That's all, it is just so tough and oh..another thing that Chemo does is turn on your tears!  I am so dang stinkin' good at crying now! I seriously didn't even know how but now I do, you better believe me when I tell you that if you are all big and bad and never let your kids see you cry, then they will feel like a freak when THEY cry. They might think that they are baby-whimpy-whimps. They are not and neither are you. It takes courage to cry right out loud. It takes courage to let people know when you need help. It takes courage to get up every day and face whatever it is that seems to beat crap out of you. Other people want to cry more than they do, probably just like you do. You are not the only one.
My mother-in-law whom I adored in life and now, said that phrase that we all either get really pissed if someone says it to us, or, we take it into our hearts, and our brains. At first I was real immature and got irritated when she said it, but one day I realized this: SHE KNOWS MORE THAN ME!!!! And after that I knew she was right almost all the time. Wanna know what she said? She said "This too shall pass" This too. So....what....are you mad or do you believe my awesome Aussie Mama?

What's up buttercup? What's the word, hummingbird? What's the jist Physicist? I love Big Bang Theory. I have been frowned on by others for watching this ever so hillbillyarious sit com. Last night I watched episode after episode cause that sort of thing is my comfort. I, like Sheldon,, have my own 'spot' on the couch, well actually it is the whole couch. After five or six or seven hours in Chemo getting fluids, magnesium and potassium I can only think of my spot on the couch under quilts made especially for me. Then I watch one show over and over, I also absolutely adore "The Middle". I did not know about this little gem of brain candy till recently. Sue Heck is my HERO! Holly made me a little poster with lot's of pic's of Sue with the title "Sue Heck never gives up!" and I look at it every day and it makes me happy. My family will do just anything to keep the Mama happy. I don't think I blogged about my last day of Chemo. Just as I was finishing up, my entire family except Carly who was working all trooped through the door with matching shirts on, which featured a montage of wacky pictures which Holly took one day of me. then they all were personalized with a message from each of them, even the babies! even the tiniest baby Weston. It was so dang awesome. I never feel worthy of the Love and concern and work they all go to for me.  Then I got to ring the "Done with Chemo bell" which is cool but embarrassing all aat the same time.  I have been here many times when other patients have rung that bell. It's a nice touch.
So how bout that texting law?  Myself, I have noticed a large decrease of idiot behavior behind the screen, (not the wheel). For me, I have never texted while driving as I cannot walk and chew gum. Plus, who? who? in their right mind would text while driving after seeing those anti-text commercials on tv, in particular the one where the teenage girl is trying to write an apology to the parents of the child she killed while texting. HOLY SHIZ that would make me stop gum chewing while driving (I can drive with gum, just cant walk across a room). When that ad comes on I just want to jump through the screen and hug that stupid girl! I am a rescuer by nature, and a lover of the underdog. Call me the stupid one but I always think of them and hope they have a good support system as well as and  MORE IMPORTANTLY the victims of the said mayhem. I am getting better about the rescuing thing, as I have to keep my mouth shut much more now that I am a MeeMaw. I am doing pretty well I think, but if you ask the parents of my G-Kids, they may express a wish that I try a little harder.
My parents always taught me not to complain about the weather. Ever. They believed that if you complain about the weather, you are complaining directly about, or to the Big Guy upstairs. So, it stuck and I really try not to complain. This becomes challenging in my most disliked season, Summer. I am not complaining. I am saying that I cant freaking, creaking, wreaking, WAIT for Autumn. I about go nutty nuts when the apples get red, and I can hear the football games commentated just like "Friday Night Lights" and the grass looks nice again, and you get that second wind that helps you be motivated to get back into the yard and make it look all beautiful after the ravages of summer have, well ravaged the yard and my get up and go.  Since I started the big "C" treatment something weird in me will not let me wear short sleeves, even if I am hot sometimes. It is odd. anyone have any ideas why I am wearing a hoody, and yoga pants, shoes and socks? let me know your thoughts.  Chances are, I am just being my own weirdy self! and that's ok. Cheerio Mates!

So hey there all you sugar bears. So first, I am down in the Chemo zone where all the good fun happens!! You see, even though I am done with the tough chemo, I am still privileged to spend many many hours down here in this bright cheerful white clean as a whistle room with my nurses, whom we all adore. You see, I have had three kinds of chemo, two super mean ones, (not mean to me, they love me, they don't love my cancer cells). And one kind of Chemo that is going to keep me visiting the zone till, ohh, about February.  It is called Herceptin. it is a fascinating drug. I have a type of breast cancer that is called HER2 positive. (not the BRCA gene Angelina had, which really sucks if you have that one)!! Sooo I just bop in every three weeks and get me some Herceptin which costs my insurance co about a million bucks and I am grateful. Chemotherapy is EXTREMELY TO THE EXTREME expensive. Just so you know.
Someone took my seat today. I usually sit in the same chair in the corner of windows then I can turn my head when I want to forget where I am and look out at the landscaping which is very green and see all the cars go by on 5th west.  I also see lots of really interesting sorts walking the sidewalk. It's fun! But since my seat is gone and this place is hopping I sit in the middle where I can spy on the nurses. They kill me, they are doing a job that would make the average person cry and run away fast and they do it so wel an they do it fast and they also can just look at you and say "Hey doc, we think this one has a Pulmonary Embolism" and the docs, who are every bit as delightful and smarter than Hell say "OK." and guess what, they are right and then they let me cry and then they hug me and sneak over to buy flowers at the gift shop for me and hug me some more. My bad days in this white clean place are rare. There is not much chitchat between patients and that's ok.  I mean, we recognize each other and say hi maybe but before I started chemo I read up on 'Chemotherapy etiquette"  Who knew there was such a thing? But it says to use your brain and read body language and if they have headphones on then they would rather you leave them alone. Or if they are in the middle of a double issue of People Mag then for sure don't bug! We all just sort of ride this out in a routine that feels good to us.  I bring my favorite "Fight like a Girl!" bag that my friend Tiffany gave me and in it I usually keep my kindle, a real book, my crocheting, and a bunch of other dumb stuff I don't need. I kind of go back and forth and do this, then that blah, blah, but I have a tough time reading which I love to do. It is common to loose all means of concentration cause its sort of like your brain is like swiss cheese. Not gonna lie. It's frustrating as crap. I am spending three or four hours down here every other day because chemo really screws up my electrolytes and so I slide in, they hook me up, give me lots of magnesium which takes sometimes 5 hours.  Oh well. I am grateful for my garden variety of cancer. Who wouldn't wanna be ME!!
'"

"The night is always darkest before the dawn".

Hello all my Peeps!  just sittin here in the Utah heat doing nothing. Fourth of July is such a fabulous holiday and my good noodles! the aerials around our house were very very numerous and I figure if my neighbors can afford to host the  100 south of fire,,, then why do they live on 100 South? Just a little thought that blew through my Chemo riddled mind last night.  I don't mind, after the first year with the new law, not last year but the year before, I swear I thought it was the end of days. People surely do enjoy their big bangs and pretty lights.  I missed them for the first time in a long time last night.  Sometimes my brain does not process my thoughts and emotions appropriately. Don't you just hate when that happens? I mean, you know for sure what is what, and your brain wont let you remember it.  Then you get it back, and all is well, and you can almost feel normal and look around and ground yourself (that's a fancy therapeutic word), grounding helps you know who you are, where you are, and that you are safe and its ok to be peaceful and happy. You look around you and see WHAT IS. You know you are ok but still, that little devil on your shoulder nags and nags.  That, my dear people, is when you need that word called FAITH. That's all. Love you lovelies.

Babysittin' and Residents

Hello All!  Big night for me. It's Friday, and everyone had a previous engagement and I didn't even have to have a babysitter!!Whoo Hoo! Sad but true, that there are about ten days after Chemo where I am a danger to myself and others and it's not a good id a to leave me home alone. Tonight I said to those worried faces, I said "Hey, ya'all just go along cause Samson and I are going to watch us an entire evening of the AWESOME wedding shows! Yes we will watch them until they start over again yes and then when that happens we will watch guess what??? No, really guess what my favorite TV program is? OK, I'll give you multiple choice.
A-Anything on food network
B-CSI reruns
C-The Middle
OK, please text me what your guess is cause it will tell me a lot about what you think of my character.  
I have been thinking today about Residents. It is June and June will forever remind me of Resident graduation, which happens tomorrow.  My seven years at Merrill Gappmayer Family Medicine is so full of fantastic and fun and FUNNY memories.  I love Residents.  I can honestly say, after counting them all up, about 45 in all that I worked directly with, that I cant think of a single one that I didn't care for. Ok, well I did think of one but I am sure if I knew this person better I would like him too. The huge majority, after working with them from little first years, and I swear they grow in three years, anyway, I loved almost all of them and cried at all the graduations.  I thought about what makes these people different than what I see on Grey's, well besides the obvious differences, and way the thing is, these guys and gurl's come into the Clinic and they are NICE! and when they are all done and totally truncky to get the heck out of there, some of them are even nicer. It is amazing to see them grow up and turn into Physicians. They are trained and taught and mentored and helped by a Faculty who sometimes, I bet, drag them through and these Faculty docs apparently, have not forgotten what its like to be residents. I know this because the interns don't usually try to hide when one comes 'round. They have been some of  the funest,  smartest, kindest, most empathetic people that I know and I am grateful for all of them (except that one which I don't have an apreciation for yet:)
While I am bearing my testimony of Family Medicine, just a huge shout out to all the staff that taught me ssooooo veeeerrrrry patieentttttllllyyy!!!! for all seven years.  There was never a day I didn't learn something, and never a day I didn't make a mistake and it was with the Patience of...OH gosh I don't know that they just kept NOT FIRING ME! I worked with a lot of the most Stand-Up people I know and I miss laughing till it hurts with them. Sendin' the love to you darlin' new GRAD'S

Hello all my people! I got a brand new laptop for Fathers Day! I suppose Greg is the smart dude we know  him to be and figured he wouldn't have FD without me, so of course I should get a lovely gift too! Man I tell you that was quite a day as it was Fathers and Joanna's day, Emily's birthday and our brand new little baby Westons birthday too! It was kinda really cool since I had my first baby June 15th on Fathers Day then Jill did the same thing, by coincidence on June 15th and Fathers day. How brilliant is that?  Anyway, our beautiful Weston was born 3 weeks early, and he is a little sick with an infection. The really crappy thing about this is that he has to stay here in the NICU for about 3 weeks. (again, like Emilys little crazy Ivy. But  he is pink and pretty feisty and has to have a Lumbar Puncture today to make sure he doesn't have meningitis.  This is very sucky when you think about it.

I am down here in the Chemo Zone getting My Chemo Cockail #5.  I am going to tell you all a little secret about encouragement. Everyone means well when they talk to you about your crappy disease. Guess what is not helpful?? It is not helpful when you say "Oh but hey, you only have 2 more rounds or 5 more or 8'. The thing about Chemo is, that the medication (OK, it's poison but I hate, double hate, loathe ENTIRELY, when that word is used and it gets used a lot. Really? do you want to sit and chat it up about the poison you received for four hours today)? Anyway, the Chemo has a cumulative effect, which means that each time you get another round and your body, all the awesome cells and all the dumb cells go like this "Uh, they're back, those bloody little flowers with the Pacman mouths are BACK and they dumb cells get entirely happy because they know that your body is tired  of the fight, and that your good numbers are going to go right in the toilet which postpones your chemo and that you have so much less to fight with and that makes the dumb cells happy cause they have a better opportunity to miss being shot by the Pacman flowers like a angry blonde woman with a 38 in her purse

So, my rant is basically saying that it sounds like encouragement when you say hey, "Oh, only 2 more rounds? You got this" what that does to me is  make my stomach squeeze and my head start to sweat under my hat and I AM SCARED!! But hey, now that I think of it, what else are you suppose to say to me. That's a good question. Knowing what I know now, I would say "OUCH" that's all, just "OUCH" but that is just not common knowledge, so when you say the above to me I will just realize how much you care, how much empathy you are feeling for me, how much you love me and my family and how concerned you are. So it's my problem. You are all the best most lovely people a girl could ask for.

So Chemo #5 out of  6 is complete, it will now do what it does best, kills the dumb cells and tries hard not to kill me. In about 2 days it will start to make me wanna drive off a cliff, it will probably cause me to have zero blood clotting capabilities (which is challenging  for me since I am a klutz and bump into things a lot and don't even let me near a butter knife!) and on and on but it wont kill me, and hopefully it wont kill my family either.  I have a husband and 8 kids that are absolutely perfect for what I am going through, and guess what, they go through it too. It is so hard as a Mom to see your kids hurt and get beat down because of what they see me go through. It's tough, just plain tough. Chemotherapy makes you cry...ALOT! bet you didn't know that? and another little funny fact is that it makes your nose run like a faucet ALL THE TIME! it is a bizarre side effect that I am not complaining about, just reporting the facts Ma'am. Oh, and it also makes you dumber than a post, really. You cant believe the words and the names I can't for the life of me recall when I need to!

So, if you are the lovely friends and family I know, please keep us in your prayers.  I cannot do this without them. I just can't.  Thank you Thank you Thank you all for everything you do for us. It is a humbling and overwhelming thought to know so many people care so much for us and you do. 

Love you all, Love me.

P. E. (unfortunately in this case does not stand for physical eductaion)

Hello! this blog has been neglected for quite some time, folks!  I guess it's that "no news is good news" thing... yeah?
not that the reason for this is necessarily BAD news... it's just no the greatest or happiest.

oh, by the way, this is Holly speaking.

Treatment number 4 was a DOOZY. starting on Friday, ending yesterday, it was all just quite hellish to tell you the honest truth. anxiety + that horrid, nasty chemo feeling that is indescribable and just gross.

Well yesterday and today, mum was feeling extra tired and fatigued. I, being a know-it-all/optimist, pegged it as her blood counts being low, just like usual. (*CHEMO LESSON*... the chemo drugs kill all of your cells, but the good cells grow back much faster than the dumb-A cancer cells.) We all just thought, "yeeeah, that's just your low RBC's and what not, plus you've been through a battle for the passed 3 days so you've got license to be tired, yo."

well this morning, when she went up the stairs (6 steps), poured her cereal, and came back down, she was gosh-dang out of breath. so we decided to call and make an appt for her to go get IV fluids, since that has worked in the past.

LONGGGG story short, after getting to the chemo zone, getting some blood work done, and a CT scan, they found a ... wait for it... BABY pulmonary embolism.

that sounds scary, doesn't it? yeah you're tellin' me. it was just a tiny little guy, and with two shots of Lovenox a day, (a blood thinner) the clot should shrink AND it should prevent new ones from forming. (plus it will give me plenty of practice with poking people! (bright side, but a bright side I could do without.)

I hate the word clot. don't you? it's unpleasant.

We sometimes forget to say thank you to the prayers that are being said for us, so here is a huuuuuuuge THANK YOU from us Robinsons. we have made it through 4 out of 6 treatments, and we're gonna make it through 2 more.

A special shout-out to the neighbors who weeded the CRAP out of our front yard, and planted flowers. I mean. really you guys. could Greg and Joanna have PICKED a better neighborhood to live in?

thank you thank you thank you, everyone. for the good vibes and continued prayers. we thank Heavenly Father each and every day for the people we know, and the support and love we feel.

we'll keep you posted, but I mean, she's got this. 

PS!!!!! we are all participating in the Strides Against Breast Cancer walk in October, and we would LOOOOVE for as many people as possible to join our team!! You can find out more info on the Facebook group, and stay tuned on that for fundraiser information and how to sign up for the team! Click here to join the group! :)