Hello all my people! I got a brand new laptop for Fathers Day! I suppose Greg is the smart dude we know  him to be and figured he wouldn't have FD without me, so of course I should get a lovely gift too! Man I tell you that was quite a day as it was Fathers and Joanna's day, Emily's birthday and our brand new little baby Westons birthday too! It was kinda really cool since I had my first baby June 15th on Fathers Day then Jill did the same thing, by coincidence on June 15th and Fathers day. How brilliant is that?  Anyway, our beautiful Weston was born 3 weeks early, and he is a little sick with an infection. The really crappy thing about this is that he has to stay here in the NICU for about 3 weeks. (again, like Emilys little crazy Ivy. But  he is pink and pretty feisty and has to have a Lumbar Puncture today to make sure he doesn't have meningitis.  This is very sucky when you think about it.

I am down here in the Chemo Zone getting My Chemo Cockail #5.  I am going to tell you all a little secret about encouragement. Everyone means well when they talk to you about your crappy disease. Guess what is not helpful?? It is not helpful when you say "Oh but hey, you only have 2 more rounds or 5 more or 8'. The thing about Chemo is, that the medication (OK, it's poison but I hate, double hate, loathe ENTIRELY, when that word is used and it gets used a lot. Really? do you want to sit and chat it up about the poison you received for four hours today)? Anyway, the Chemo has a cumulative effect, which means that each time you get another round and your body, all the awesome cells and all the dumb cells go like this "Uh, they're back, those bloody little flowers with the Pacman mouths are BACK and they dumb cells get entirely happy because they know that your body is tired  of the fight, and that your good numbers are going to go right in the toilet which postpones your chemo and that you have so much less to fight with and that makes the dumb cells happy cause they have a better opportunity to miss being shot by the Pacman flowers like a angry blonde woman with a 38 in her purse

So, my rant is basically saying that it sounds like encouragement when you say hey, "Oh, only 2 more rounds? You got this" what that does to me is  make my stomach squeeze and my head start to sweat under my hat and I AM SCARED!! But hey, now that I think of it, what else are you suppose to say to me. That's a good question. Knowing what I know now, I would say "OUCH" that's all, just "OUCH" but that is just not common knowledge, so when you say the above to me I will just realize how much you care, how much empathy you are feeling for me, how much you love me and my family and how concerned you are. So it's my problem. You are all the best most lovely people a girl could ask for.

So Chemo #5 out of  6 is complete, it will now do what it does best, kills the dumb cells and tries hard not to kill me. In about 2 days it will start to make me wanna drive off a cliff, it will probably cause me to have zero blood clotting capabilities (which is challenging  for me since I am a klutz and bump into things a lot and don't even let me near a butter knife!) and on and on but it wont kill me, and hopefully it wont kill my family either.  I have a husband and 8 kids that are absolutely perfect for what I am going through, and guess what, they go through it too. It is so hard as a Mom to see your kids hurt and get beat down because of what they see me go through. It's tough, just plain tough. Chemotherapy makes you cry...ALOT! bet you didn't know that? and another little funny fact is that it makes your nose run like a faucet ALL THE TIME! it is a bizarre side effect that I am not complaining about, just reporting the facts Ma'am. Oh, and it also makes you dumber than a post, really. You cant believe the words and the names I can't for the life of me recall when I need to!

So, if you are the lovely friends and family I know, please keep us in your prayers.  I cannot do this without them. I just can't.  Thank you Thank you Thank you all for everything you do for us. It is a humbling and overwhelming thought to know so many people care so much for us and you do. 

Love you all, Love me.

P. E. (unfortunately in this case does not stand for physical eductaion)

Hello! this blog has been neglected for quite some time, folks!  I guess it's that "no news is good news" thing... yeah?
not that the reason for this is necessarily BAD news... it's just no the greatest or happiest.

oh, by the way, this is Holly speaking.

Treatment number 4 was a DOOZY. starting on Friday, ending yesterday, it was all just quite hellish to tell you the honest truth. anxiety + that horrid, nasty chemo feeling that is indescribable and just gross.

Well yesterday and today, mum was feeling extra tired and fatigued. I, being a know-it-all/optimist, pegged it as her blood counts being low, just like usual. (*CHEMO LESSON*... the chemo drugs kill all of your cells, but the good cells grow back much faster than the dumb-A cancer cells.) We all just thought, "yeeeah, that's just your low RBC's and what not, plus you've been through a battle for the passed 3 days so you've got license to be tired, yo."

well this morning, when she went up the stairs (6 steps), poured her cereal, and came back down, she was gosh-dang out of breath. so we decided to call and make an appt for her to go get IV fluids, since that has worked in the past.

LONGGGG story short, after getting to the chemo zone, getting some blood work done, and a CT scan, they found a ... wait for it... BABY pulmonary embolism.

that sounds scary, doesn't it? yeah you're tellin' me. it was just a tiny little guy, and with two shots of Lovenox a day, (a blood thinner) the clot should shrink AND it should prevent new ones from forming. (plus it will give me plenty of practice with poking people! (bright side, but a bright side I could do without.)

I hate the word clot. don't you? it's unpleasant.

We sometimes forget to say thank you to the prayers that are being said for us, so here is a huuuuuuuge THANK YOU from us Robinsons. we have made it through 4 out of 6 treatments, and we're gonna make it through 2 more.

A special shout-out to the neighbors who weeded the CRAP out of our front yard, and planted flowers. I mean. really you guys. could Greg and Joanna have PICKED a better neighborhood to live in?

thank you thank you thank you, everyone. for the good vibes and continued prayers. we thank Heavenly Father each and every day for the people we know, and the support and love we feel.

we'll keep you posted, but I mean, she's got this. 

PS!!!!! we are all participating in the Strides Against Breast Cancer walk in October, and we would LOOOOVE for as many people as possible to join our team!! You can find out more info on the Facebook group, and stay tuned on that for fundraiser information and how to sign up for the team! Click here to join the group! :)

Bring on the Chemo Cocktail Royale oh dear ones at the Chemo Zone. It really is a cocktail you know. They take you med by med and tell you what it is for, give it to you very slowly the first round so as to avoid any sudden nasty reactions. It takes 4-6 hours the first time, always with a Oncologist just around the corner.  My Oncologists name is Nathan Rich. He is cool, he is smart, he is real, he has no ego and he comes HIGHLY recommended and I like him alot.  He waited until I was all the way, (well as well as can be expected) to start my Chemo.  It is most important to start withing 8 weeks of surgery and I am starting at 7 so I don't feel like a loser or anything for not starting sooner. I couldn't anyway. He and his team of lovely nurses and staff have done everything possible to get me ready for this in every way.  My port was accessed yesterday, that means its hooked up and ready to roll. I love my port, it is an absolute lifesaver and saver of pain and veins and ohhh so much already.  My port has a name, her name is Penelope.  I have a little corner on my surgical site, I have an expander in, its like a hyper-tytanium implant, ok, its more like canvas, anyway everything is round except this little corner and it makes me grin everyweek when I go in for my little drainage procedure to see it just bug CRAP out of him. His name is Mark Jensen, just another one of my team of Hero's.
Anyway he always says, "We'll take care of that later" but you can see the perfectionism in him just oozing out, poor guy.  So this little corner also has a name and this HIGHLY amused my sort of quiet surgeon. Her name is Marla, (named graciously after Marla Hootch in "A league of their own" sort of out of place but turns out "Two thumbs up!". Glad I could make him laugh. He is also just the best, as is his office staff.

I expect this will be a ride. I expect I won't love it, I am a little nervous, but this business is the business of curing.  I refuse to think of Chemo as poison. It is medicine. I think of tiny flowers with big bad mouths flowing down my veins and "doing their worst" which is their best.

Till later my peeps, thanks for reading. Peace out.

Not feeling very brave. I was reading all these bio's of cancer survivors that had been interviewed, and I was feeling Super-unbrave but then I realized that everyone of them are on the other end of the fight and I have just stepped into the ring so It's ok if I'm not brave.  I also came to the realization today that i need to stop being pissed about the whole dreadful hospital ordeal because hey...prayers and prayers, and prayers work and they...the prayers and the Doctors, nurses, on and on saved my life although I thought for sure they were killing me.

Maybe I will be brave tomorrow.  But for tonight, I am goin' with my own tweaked quote: "That which does not kill us makes us wish we were dead"

Bahahaha I crack myself up! Peace out my homies:)

Bet you didn't know that when you are getting all geared up for the fun that is Chemotherapy, they have you go in and they teach you very carefully about what it is, what it does, what it does not, what it causes, on and on and it was pretty interesting.  They first have you watch a video where a real pretty girl which has obvi never HAD chemo tells you a bunch of stuff. Well the deal is, that she said the word "Chemotherapy" so many times in the fifteen minute video that it started sounding really funny to me and she must have said it, like 3 dozen times.She was careful to point out that Chemo is not the enemy. I have been working for weeks on a visual of the chemo surging in through my Power Port and wreaking havoc, in a good way, on my cancer cells, and my non-cancer cells since chemo does not distinguish. So since the video chick was so kind and helpful I decided to work up a little acronym for the much overused word...you know the one, CHEMOTHERAPY.

C--cheerful, chuckling, cancer cells, ha, they don't know whats about to hit em!
H--hair, like, who needs it anyway?
E--Excercise. Um....it is a brilliant excuse for the lack thereof as I will be working hard at staying     
      upright!  that is excercise enough for this girl right now.
M--Many, much, mega, medications! this is good, some of them have it in for me, some will
      save me   from the very unpleasant side effects of this wonderful chemo I get to have so I don't
     die prematurely.
O--Ordinary. I say this because everyday, I thank God for my ordinary, most common type      of breast cancer. My docs can treat this in their sleep! So ordinary cancer....ordinary chemo. (PLEASE)!
T--Tricksters.  Chemo goes after all your cells, however, cancer cells are slower to recover therefore   my white cells and red ones and platelets will zoom ahead of the recovering cancer cells and kick buttocks. Tricky? Yup.
H--Hell. Already did that. Someone whispered in my ear when I was inpatient "Maybe this is God's   way of letting you know that chemo isn't that bad" brilliant ey?
E--Electrifying. I will forge ahead and imagine those chemicals lighting up my whole self. It        could happen:)
R--Run. I will not run away from the hospital, from the 'Chemo Zone' on the other hand I might walk sort of slowly and not use the valet parking.
A--Awesome, which is what my whole dang medical team is.  I believe them when they say they will get me through this and that I can call 24/7 and no one will be put out. They are the best. Shout out to my PCP Nikki Clark for hooking me up with the best! It ain't what'cha know, it's who you know.
P--Pray, pray, and pray some more. Even chemotherapy needs divine intervention:)
Y--Yes. I believe the word 'yes' has power. I cant explain this but that's ok. So we will march through this new world and we will say 'yes', alot. Just have to trust me on this one.

I love you all so much. I love you even if you are a complete stranger. LOVE HEALS<3
Too tired to make sure I spelled and left no letters out of the word so don't judge me!

I am coming right out and freely admitting  to the world that I love TV!!!  I have never once in my life said the words I hear repeatedly on and on and on "I don't have time for TV"  I secretly think some of you are saying a big fat lie! Anyway, of course there have been times that I did not see Oprah for like four years or something, and that I didn't watch Greys till they were in season 5 or Friday Night Lights till all five seasons were on DVD but, I am saying that I like them! They let me escape a little. I am not so much the spiritual giant that you might think I am. When I was in the hospital, I turned on the TV when I was conscious enough and never turned it off, not once in a million days. I kept it on with no sound if I was actually allowed to sleep which was extremely rare. It was  no ones fault that I was never left alone for more than 20 minutes in sixteen days, when they are taking really good care of you and doing everything on earth to help you get well, it is very time consuming.  I did have one errant IV pump that I swear to you, for 24 hours just went off about every 20 minutes and I tell you I got so psycho that I just about took that pump out and the three others with it!  It was awful! I was in there all during the Olympics which were just as boring as can be but my side-kick Greg, liked them so I just sort of zoned.  He was the best. You guys don't even know how amazing my husband is cause he is quiet and sort of scary. He has taken over my life, cause I cant make my brain work yet. He is the bestest ever and I adore him. Anyway, today I was at my Oncologist and they were scheduling all these different appts. for me and then they highlighted the dates and the page was like a WHOLE PAGE and that was the moment I knew I was getting better (from the hospital) cause I looked at it and exclaimed rather loudly "Oh my gosh, I must have cancer!" Made 'em laugh down there in the Chemo zone.  Hey...I didn't see any TV's in there!

It is late. I am all cozy in my bed with my buddy snoring away beside me.  I am ok with snoring now. I am also all hooked up to my night time buddy, called Oxygen.  Tonight before the drugs kick in it is imperative that I write a bit of what I have been feeling about big kids. Not the little gooey, chubby, warm kisses, jelly covered kind, which are all divine, but you know, those kids grow up, and they are no less extraordinary.  They are who God gives you in return for all those zillions of sleepless nights, barf clean-ups that go from one side of the bathroom to the other, the worries, the sassing, the chasing the sasser down and whacking them one, the endless trips to and from everywhere until they drive, the "I don't really like that kid" lectures, the calls from the school, good or bad and on and on. These are the kids who were ages one to twelve, who are now fifteen to twenty-seven. These are the kids who climbed right into the trenches with me through an awful illness. They all had their own ways of dealing with me. No two the same at all yet all of them saved me. They saved my sanity and still do. They remind me that I have faith when I forget what the word even means. They know how much to push without pushing to hard. They are the best huggers and kissers and they are my reward.  I love my grand-kids like crazy, but they didn't 'go to the mats' with me like my Five.  I have been home from the hospital for ten days and they expect nothing of me. They have patience when I don't. They love me when I am irrational and crying and sure someone will make me go back to the hospital. They are able to see the big picture when it is too big for me to glance at. They say there is nothing stronger than a Mothers love, I beg to differ.