August 6, 2014

Read at your own risk. I am writing this for me. Just me. As Holly mentioned in a facebook post, "Chemo leaves a trail". Yes it does. It is very, very common to experience major depression and anxiety when your treatments are over.  The doctors don't tell you this and it makes sense that they don't because then you would be anticipating it and setting yourself up for something that might not even affect you.  But when it happens, no one who knows anything about cancer treatment is surprised. NO ONE. I don't know why, but I have no warm fuzzy feelings when I hear that it is normal and they all promise it will go away and Hell's Bell's it is a rough row to hoe!
I am well versed in anxiety. I was born anxious and had parents that were really busy with my Hell raising siblings. I was quiet. I stood still, I held still and hoped desperately that someone would notice that I was scared. I think most of my childhood was spent in a suspended state of  "What or who is gonna GET  me today?" Therefore, I as I became an adult I thought I had the world by a string cause by golly I was going to do things differently.  So I had five kids, and shiz, guess what? some of them are pretty anxious at times also.  This is what I learned about how I raised my kids.  I learned that no matter how much I wanted to protect my children from fear, from hurt, from bad stuff in general, it was not my job to hover over them and wreck my own psyche worrying about them. They are supposed to learn how to deal with bad crap and it is my job to let them while hanging around the edges of their lives, to support them and cheer them on when they struggled with the bullies in this big ol' life.  I tried very valiantly and quite successfully to do just the opposite of much of what my parents did and guess what? It was not in my children's best interest because I was doing it for ME! Now, don't get me wrong, I have five extraordinary people as my children and they are all law abiding upstanding citizens and no one is socially retarded or anything like that They are kind, considerate, employed, hug their Mom regularly individuals, but I should have protected them a little less. I should have been late picking them up every once in a while so they would know they could be ok on their own and stuff like that. Having said all that, I don't really have a lot of regret, just a little.
Anyway, as I said before, I am well aquainted with the demon that is "Generalized anxiety" and if you know anything about it, you know that anxiety and depression are good buddies. They don't like to hang without each other, but this I do know, and have a hard, HARD time believing and that is that it always passes. This is my first legitimate go-round with depression and I think I prefer it to anxiety. but both of them together? well that is  just not fair!!!!   I am so sorry for any and all of you who struggle with either because it's just Hell. That's all, it is just so tough and oh..another thing that Chemo does is turn on your tears!  I am so dang stinkin' good at crying now! I seriously didn't even know how but now I do, you better believe me when I tell you that if you are all big and bad and never let your kids see you cry, then they will feel like a freak when THEY cry. They might think that they are baby-whimpy-whimps. They are not and neither are you. It takes courage to cry right out loud. It takes courage to let people know when you need help. It takes courage to get up every day and face whatever it is that seems to beat crap out of you. Other people want to cry more than they do, probably just like you do. You are not the only one.
My mother-in-law whom I adored in life and now, said that phrase that we all either get really pissed if someone says it to us, or, we take it into our hearts, and our brains. At first I was real immature and got irritated when she said it, but one day I realized this: SHE KNOWS MORE THAN ME!!!! And after that I knew she was right almost all the time. Wanna know what she said? She said "This too shall pass" This too. So....what....are you mad or do you believe my awesome Aussie Mama?