November 17, 2014
Went to a funeral today. Haven't been to one for a year, since my Mom's and that was way different cause I was sort of the boss of it. My Mother left explicit instructions as to how her funeral would go down. I knew all about the hand written instructions, reassured her many times that I had everything in a folder and would carry out all her wishes. Wellllll.... When my Mom died, I went home and went to the folder and opened it up and guess what?? Everything was there in order to get her all buried up in the right spot and all paid for and everything was there EXCEPT her handwritten instructions. They had seriously vanished. I looked and looked and they, and I swear this were always there when I had opened that folder before. They were gone and stayed gone and I never did find them. I think that she had a nice, lovely funeral even without her marching orders. So I figured that gave us license to do as we pleased. She was quite controlling in her life. It made it hard to deal with her when she had to have everything just so. I suppose that was her way of maintaining a secure feeling. I am quite sure she has still not forgiven me for moving her out of her home of 45 years. I was not very sympathetic at the time, what had to be done, had to be done. That was that. Looking at it now, a year later, I get it. I have not had much control over my life during 2014. I went through it all, cause that's what you do. You just do what has to be done. That is no way to lead a life. I really wish I would have spent more time thinking about what we all experienced this past year, because eventually you have to think about it. You have to REALLY think about it, and it is not pleasant and it is damn scary. I fight and fight and fight with myself to stay positive which must be why people are so kind and say I am so strong and that I am inspirational (WHHAAT?) and all that kind of stuff when really they just see me dressed with my fohawk nicely parted and on my feet. They don't know how I have handled any of it, really. They are just seeing me, looking and acting normal. There is no normal anymore. Once you have cancer, every single day is a struggle not to worry. It was suggested to my by one of my life coaches (bahaha) one of my shrinks that is, that I not shoot for having a positive day, but maybe just a realistic day. So, being the excellent client I am, I am taking his advice and shooting for real days. I wish I knew someone like me, someone that is just so much like me that they would just know what I was thinking and feeling. I know, I know, you are all saying that I do, and of course I know that "I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and I love him" I know he is always there. I know that, but sometimes I need a real person right next to me that "gets" me. But then again, maybe, like the funeral of an absolutely stellar individual, I need to think less and just live a little more. The motto of this man was "Work hard, Play hard". When I think of him, I think of three things. First I know this man has a testimony that is second to NONE! He has strengthened my testimony, at girls camp, several years in a row. The second thing I think of is a picture in my mind of him with a toilet plunger, cause trust me, at girls camp, if you sign up as a priesthood leader, you must know your way around the biffy! The third thing I think of when I think of this man is what a hard worker he is. I didn't see much down time for him. He worked hard at girls camp but apparently knew how to play hard also. All I can think of is that he must have been "Too good for this earth". So, as a little shout out to Randy Loveless, I will "work hard, and play hard". I hope to be able to have balance as he did. I hope to be a force for good as he was. Needless to say, I will not be writing out my own funeral plan, accompanist included! Peace out my friends.