July 13, 2015

"What if you're wrong?"

I have a lot of feelings today.  They are not exactly good or bad, I don't know what they are.  I am on a quest to try and figure out the best way to rid my body of the hits it took last year for quite a little space of time, I mean in the grand scheme of things, my stupid cancer took, start to finish, 15 months. That's how long the big stuff takes. Guess what? It aint over and I am trying to fight fire with fire. In my case, it left me with weight gain, fatigue, and a lot of aching, pain and frustration. I understand why I feel like this and so I understand what I need to do to try and reduce some of these common side effects.  I have another doctor, that makes nine! who is a post cancer pain dude. He is so great. He is compassionate and funny and passionate about his job. He told me, that when you have cancer, its like you died. You have to start over, nothing feels right and you cant believe the stuff you CANT do anymore. I was so relieved after he told me this. He told me that most of his pts, by the time they get to his office have given up and just say, "give me a pill" so he was real happy that was not the reason for my visit. Fighting fire in my case, means doing stuff that really hurts with the bones and muscles that already really hurt! So, oh well, they are the professionals and one thing I have learned is what I told my darling friend yesterday, very recently diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer...Always, no matter what, obey your Cancer doctors and nurses orders. No exceptions. You might think that you know more than you do, but, what if your're wrong?
I have the most delightful, lovely, smart and selfless girls, which I teach and play with in  my church. I look at them and I know how some of them feel about themselves, I know how they think others see them, and I just want to stand up and yell real loud at them, "WHAT IF YOU'RE WRONG?! Kids struggle as teens. that is nature and if they get to about 16 or 17 it seems like most of the crap they deal with decreases a bit. Texting makes me worried because there is no way for these kids to be able to perceive what was said, if it is something emotionally charged because there is not the human aspect of emotion behind the words.  I always busted my kids when they said "just kidding, or jk" because "just kidding' means "I really meant what I said but I just don't want to get in trouble'. Truth is, I adore adolescent girls. I want to protect them, I want them to love themselves , I want to protect them from the evil out there, especially the evil that wraps itself up in pretty packages. That's extra evil. It absolutely breaks my heart to know what has gone on behind closed doors, sometimes open!
But what if I, yes I, am wrong....I have a Brother who died in a freak train accident many years ago. He was a single father to two beautiful and lovely kids, one boy and one girl. After my brother was killed, it was decided that they would go back to live with their mother, I believe they were 8 and 11. They had a rough grow up, but are now are just the most stellar people with beautiful families.  I confessed to my niece, not to long ago that I had felt guilty for not raising them myself, (at the time I had a 3 year old and a 1 year old). She immediately said "Never feel bad about that. I would not be the person I am today if things had been different for me growing up". Hmmm I was wrong. We are the sum-total of our experiences.  My brother had given them a good foundation and they took it from there, with much help from their mothers relatives. I was useless. 
One of my favorite, kindest, most compassionate people I know, had the most horrifying life that I have ever heard of. You would not even believe her story. I guess that's why she lives her life making sure that others don't have to grow up feeling like she did. She is a bad-ass Angel, just like most of the BACA bikers you see are.(Bikers against Child Abuse) You want to feel protected, just call up the BACA people. They'll have your back in a red hot minute.

Before cancer: That which does not kill us makes us wish we were dead.
In the middle of chemo:That which does not kill us REALLY makes us wish we were dead.
At the end of Cancer: That which does not kill us, really does make us stronger.

Love my readers, who ever you are, jrob