So I had a lot of time to think this week, it is think or be entirely bored while you are at Disneyland and in the car for a million hours and cant rustle up the enthusiasm to read or watch a movie. I can people watch for hours and at Disneyland there are just lots and lots of people to watch. I know that it has been said that Disneyland is the happiest place on earth and I smiled for two days straight and I watched people and a lot of people at DL were not smiling. Maybe that's because they don't know Jesus. Maybe its because they are in crappy relationships, maybe its because their feet are killing from wearing cute, not sensible shoes. Maybe they don't smile cause no one smiles at them. Maybe they don't know who they are, and what direction to point their lives in. Maybe too much of a good thing can make you melt like a puddle at Minnie's feet. It is my belief that this world is hard. Life is hard. It is not supposed to be easy, they don't call it a 'veil of tears' for nothing ya know. But by that same source that tells me life is hard, I know that it is also suppose to cause a great big bunch of JOY too! It is a mystery to me why it seems, that it is easier to be negative than positive. That it seems easier not to smile than to smile. That it seems that feeling 'put out' is easier to feel, than it is to think, "Hey, I am helping someone here. We all know that it is in the choices we make every second of every day.
I am wondering about Walt Disney. I have not read up on him, other than my friend had a life changing and very vivid dream which Walt was in. I also love the movie "Saving Mr. Banks" I feel somewhat of a sort of comfort when I watch that movie. I would kill to sit in on hiring interviews for employment at Disneyland. I want to know who they need, who they are looking for, their mission statement, all that. And this is why: Disneyland is magical. I understand why you awesome DL diehards are so obsessed, it's because IT IS HAPPY!!!! and people want to be happy. I have been to DL, coincidentally on the 30th anniversary, and the 50th and the 60th, and two other times. So I have been there five times and I didn't get it till now. I will tell you, I experienced magic.
Emily, my daughter who rules the checkbook with an iron fist, decided she wanted to take her sweet Minnie obsessed child Ivy to the Breakfast with Minnie and her friends. So I decided to go along, with Holly and Jill. The kids or someone had given me a 'celebration badge' that said "I'm cancer free" on it and I thought nothing of it. You pay, then they take a professional picture of you and then you eat and so we were in heaven I tell you. We have a young friend in a fight for his life slaying a pretty big case of Cancer. I have a bracelet that I wear that say's 'Seanstrong' and I wanted to get pictures with as many characters as I could holding or wearing the bracelet. We were eating and suddenly one of the employees came out to our table, looked at me and said, "you are brave and we are so happy you are ok, please accept this little gift from our staff. It was a beautiful little cupcake with a candle which she lit, and said "make a wish" then gave me a card they had written just for me and had all the staff sign and a beautiful long stemmed red rose. Yes, we were all crying, and yes, I am crying right now. So we got awesome pictures with the bracelet with Tigger, and Pooh, and Rafiki, and Minnie, and then the lady with the photographer comes to sell us the picture they took on our way in. It is so happy, it is so bright and full of love and no way was I not going to buy it. It was an eight by ten of me, my girls and my granddaughter, and Minnie on the other side and four smaller photos for 35 dollars. I turned to get my wallet and that kind lady said, "Never mind I am giving them to you." I think Walt would have been pleased.
The rest of the day went somewhat like that. I know that they are trained to look at the badges, but you cannot train an employee to hug a total stranger who knows what a legit hug feels like. All day long we bumped into employees and I swear every one of them wished me well or hugged me and I felt the love I tell you. I felt the love of Walt Disney and what he wanted to accomplish and how he wanted his guests to feel. Where else can you go and get treatment that genuine and that kind. It has to be hard to be on your feet all day and still notice the chubby white Mormon mama's "Cancer Free
badge, and give her a smile and a high five.
So my friends, And I will name some names here, the Phillips Family, The Holdaway Family, The Evensen Family, and all my other DFF'S (DisneyFreakingFans)... I GET IT.
Thanks Walt.
May 11, 2015
You said WHAT??
I just read my last blog and thought I would add an addendum to it, to the part where I had my Mia Maids practice saying SEX out loud. Apparently I ruffled some feathers. I feel I would like to address the reasoning behind my actions and if you would have come to talk to me, this is what I would tell you. I had a very, very strong impression about this lesson. I had a very, very strong impression that these lovely, sweet, virtuous darlings that I love, needed to hear from someone, anyone, that it is imperative that they understand how over the top powerful sexual feelings are and that its not just like when you are dying for a waffle covered with Nutella or when you just MUST have a dirty Diet Coke. It was a small part of a lesson and I wanted them to feel at least comfortable as they could, in a class full of girls only, about the subject. I adore these girls and I have the utmost respect and love for the two adult leaders that were there with me in that class. I would never intentionally cause controversy. Consider the source. Like someone once told me, "Joanna, you just say what everyone else is thinking"
December 31, 2014
Weird, but good learning experience today in the Chemo Zone. Let me clarify. I still get one component of my three drug chemo regimen. It is the part called Herceptin that, in combination with one little estrogen killing pill per day and one humongous shot that shoots a pellet of drugs that shut down my innocent little ovaries into my gut every three weeks, will hopefully keep my estrogen whore of a cancer at bay. I have a gene, called HER 2, which is positive in me, along with another progesterone lover. So, that just means that I HAVE NO ESTROGEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN, IN MY BODY!!! And that's ok. (So far no one has commented on my shorts, tank tops and flip-flops in freezing weather! ) These genes are preferable to the BRCA gene that Angelina Ballerina Jolie has. That particular gene is a mean SOB. I had that test done first thing at my Surgeon (shout out to Jennifer Tittensor rah rah!! I love her!!). Insurance doesn't usually pay for BRCA testing. you have to be in a really high risk category. So the BRCA test people send most of us a lovely little bill for 4 thousand dollars!!!! They have a patent on the test which on my end meant swishing scope three times and spitting it back into a container. Try holding scope in your mouth for a minute or two. See what happens. BURNBURNBURN!!!! Holy Hannah. anyway, the company called Meridian has the patent on this test and so they can charge whatever they well please cause they know you will probably be willing to pay for it to know you do or do not have Brangelina's gene. I would have made the same call she did. She was brave.
Anyway, they don't 'win 'em all' in the Chemo zone. I had my first experience of one of my co-pts. who, today, along with her family and our nurse, rang the bell for the last time. It slowly occurred to me what was going on. I hate it when my favorite nurse cries and she was crying, not in a YEY it's over way. It was an 'it's all over' kind of cry. It never occurred to me that she wouldn't be ok. She was a talker and everyone knew her and you are just supposed to get better. Only sometimes you don't. I am so grateful that my Chemo Nurses and my Cancer Docs decided to take their path in life down my path. It is not an easy job. Sometimes it just plain sucks. They are a different breed of health care workers. I am so grateful for their knowledge and there endurance and their ability to roll with whatever happens and adapt.
So right after they said goodbye to their sweet patient, a couple came back and by golly they were up up upset! So...they vented a little in front of all of us, understandably, and then our nurse, she said have a seat and let me finish here. Then she finished, got a rolling stool, rolled right in front of these distraught folks, knee to knee, looked them in the eye and asked them what happened. What happened was, they were not scheduled for Chemo today but since it was a time and day they have always had, they came, not aware that Chemo staff was only in for a half day due to New Years and all. Now you might think, no big deal, just come back on Friday, which is what the receptionist told them, and it came across to the couple as completely unfeeling and cold and bitchy. WELL let me tell YOU Miss "To Cool for School", (that's not really what I wanted to say..) it is a HUGE deal to come in and not be able to have Chemo. It happened to me once and I was devastated. Like they were expressing to the nurse, you are up and hyped the whole night before, you don't want chemo but putting it off is just the worst cause now you are behind and you have to do the whole anticipation thing all over again and its not something well people can even understand. It's a big deal.
Here's the thing, and this is what I learned again today. It IS what you say and it IS the way you say it. BUT, if you are uncaring and unfeeling and forget that the person standing in front of you, or over the phone, or over a text, is a living, breathing, feeling person, then your message will go down in flames. They will only remember the way you treated them. I am not sure what this sweet couple were more upset about, the message, or the delivery. This pt nearly quit her treatment right then and there because of the way someone chose to treat her. Cancer treatment is ASTRONOMICALLY expensive and not everyone has the blessing we have of fantastic health insurance like I have. They said they would go to Huntsman right then and there if it wasn't going to cost more. So anyway, after another kind compassionate NP came and spoke with her and smoothed it over and problem solved with them and arranged for treatment in a different place, they may have gone home and never come back.
This was my scary thought. There have been times, even in nursing that I have had less than stellar communications with people. Probably dozens,(well maybe not that much), but what if MY reaction to someone else's problem caused them to feel so defeated and hopeless that they made a bad decision? It could happen to any of us. It's true because I saw it happen today.
I am so grateful for the lovely people in my life, for instance, these peeps today, who show me how to be like them, like Jesus, to be more kind and less reactionary. They show me that the way you treat others creates or destroys. My friend always says' "I cant judge them... I have not walked in their mocs." My hottie therapist husband saysthat "Behavior is purposeful". So I am going to try to think of the purpose of my behavior, my thoughts, by actions and mostly my words. That's all.
I Love you readers of mine! Peace out and don't drink too much. Jrob
Anyway, they don't 'win 'em all' in the Chemo zone. I had my first experience of one of my co-pts. who, today, along with her family and our nurse, rang the bell for the last time. It slowly occurred to me what was going on. I hate it when my favorite nurse cries and she was crying, not in a YEY it's over way. It was an 'it's all over' kind of cry. It never occurred to me that she wouldn't be ok. She was a talker and everyone knew her and you are just supposed to get better. Only sometimes you don't. I am so grateful that my Chemo Nurses and my Cancer Docs decided to take their path in life down my path. It is not an easy job. Sometimes it just plain sucks. They are a different breed of health care workers. I am so grateful for their knowledge and there endurance and their ability to roll with whatever happens and adapt.
So right after they said goodbye to their sweet patient, a couple came back and by golly they were up up upset! So...they vented a little in front of all of us, understandably, and then our nurse, she said have a seat and let me finish here. Then she finished, got a rolling stool, rolled right in front of these distraught folks, knee to knee, looked them in the eye and asked them what happened. What happened was, they were not scheduled for Chemo today but since it was a time and day they have always had, they came, not aware that Chemo staff was only in for a half day due to New Years and all. Now you might think, no big deal, just come back on Friday, which is what the receptionist told them, and it came across to the couple as completely unfeeling and cold and bitchy. WELL let me tell YOU Miss "To Cool for School", (that's not really what I wanted to say..) it is a HUGE deal to come in and not be able to have Chemo. It happened to me once and I was devastated. Like they were expressing to the nurse, you are up and hyped the whole night before, you don't want chemo but putting it off is just the worst cause now you are behind and you have to do the whole anticipation thing all over again and its not something well people can even understand. It's a big deal.
Here's the thing, and this is what I learned again today. It IS what you say and it IS the way you say it. BUT, if you are uncaring and unfeeling and forget that the person standing in front of you, or over the phone, or over a text, is a living, breathing, feeling person, then your message will go down in flames. They will only remember the way you treated them. I am not sure what this sweet couple were more upset about, the message, or the delivery. This pt nearly quit her treatment right then and there because of the way someone chose to treat her. Cancer treatment is ASTRONOMICALLY expensive and not everyone has the blessing we have of fantastic health insurance like I have. They said they would go to Huntsman right then and there if it wasn't going to cost more. So anyway, after another kind compassionate NP came and spoke with her and smoothed it over and problem solved with them and arranged for treatment in a different place, they may have gone home and never come back.
This was my scary thought. There have been times, even in nursing that I have had less than stellar communications with people. Probably dozens,(well maybe not that much), but what if MY reaction to someone else's problem caused them to feel so defeated and hopeless that they made a bad decision? It could happen to any of us. It's true because I saw it happen today.
I am so grateful for the lovely people in my life, for instance, these peeps today, who show me how to be like them, like Jesus, to be more kind and less reactionary. They show me that the way you treat others creates or destroys. My friend always says' "I cant judge them... I have not walked in their mocs." My hottie therapist husband saysthat "Behavior is purposeful". So I am going to try to think of the purpose of my behavior, my thoughts, by actions and mostly my words. That's all.
I Love you readers of mine! Peace out and don't drink too much. Jrob
December 18, 2014
Damn Taliban
Bummed. The Taliban is to blame.
So what do you do? In the scriptures it says that Alma and the Son's of Mosiah were the "vilest of sinners" and so if they were the 'vilest' then that probably puts the taliban (actually I don't think that word deserves a capital letter, just my opinion) right up there with them. Seems to me that the attempt to kill someone's faith and spirit, which is what Alma and his dude's were doing, is as bad or worse than seven or eight full grown terrorists, shooting and killing 132 kids and and 16 adults in a school, during an assembly type of activity. They said that the shooting was justified and do you know why? Because it was sort of a tradition to shoot kids and Moms and teachers up when the adults were not supporting their evil. So HELL'S BELL'S is that the most bizarre reason? Did they think that it would garner them a bunch of support? Oh I have a hard time not hating their freaking guts!
It is so weird to me that those cold blooded murderers, along with all their buddies in mayhem, chose to come to earth. Chose to follow the plan of the Savior. I acknowledge that I am neither judge, nor jury. I can hate the sin, not the sinner. How do people go so wrong. I wonder how many of those individuals will fall under the category of victims of an iniquitous king. "For behold, how much iniquity doth one king cause to be committed, yea, and what great destruction." AND "the sins of many people have been caused by the iniquities of their kings: therefore their iniquities are answered upon the heads of their kings." Mosiah chapter 29. Hey, I thought that only little kids got that free pass! Turns out so do misled adults. How did that get by me all my 54 years
Anyway, I guess that is one reason why our Prophet's have always asked us to pray for the leaders of all countries. I never thought much about that till today. I am just one person. So I am recommitting myself to add that into my prayers. Maybe that will help me stop being so furiously furious at the damn-damn Taliban.
By the way, I am not super smart or informed and I didn't understand till I started reading up that there is a Pakistani Taliban. I know, you are wanting to reply and tell me the rest of what I don't understand but please don't. That's not why I am writing this blog. Only tell me if I made some gigantic mistaken statement.
To Judy Kenison Cannon, I always think of you when I am banging away on my blog. Please forgive my errors in punctuation, on and on! I probably give you such a headache. I wish you could be my very own professor!
Peace out Peeps. I have to write another blog now.
So what do you do? In the scriptures it says that Alma and the Son's of Mosiah were the "vilest of sinners" and so if they were the 'vilest' then that probably puts the taliban (actually I don't think that word deserves a capital letter, just my opinion) right up there with them. Seems to me that the attempt to kill someone's faith and spirit, which is what Alma and his dude's were doing, is as bad or worse than seven or eight full grown terrorists, shooting and killing 132 kids and and 16 adults in a school, during an assembly type of activity. They said that the shooting was justified and do you know why? Because it was sort of a tradition to shoot kids and Moms and teachers up when the adults were not supporting their evil. So HELL'S BELL'S is that the most bizarre reason? Did they think that it would garner them a bunch of support? Oh I have a hard time not hating their freaking guts!
It is so weird to me that those cold blooded murderers, along with all their buddies in mayhem, chose to come to earth. Chose to follow the plan of the Savior. I acknowledge that I am neither judge, nor jury. I can hate the sin, not the sinner. How do people go so wrong. I wonder how many of those individuals will fall under the category of victims of an iniquitous king. "For behold, how much iniquity doth one king cause to be committed, yea, and what great destruction." AND "the sins of many people have been caused by the iniquities of their kings: therefore their iniquities are answered upon the heads of their kings." Mosiah chapter 29. Hey, I thought that only little kids got that free pass! Turns out so do misled adults. How did that get by me all my 54 years
Anyway, I guess that is one reason why our Prophet's have always asked us to pray for the leaders of all countries. I never thought much about that till today. I am just one person. So I am recommitting myself to add that into my prayers. Maybe that will help me stop being so furiously furious at the damn-damn Taliban.
By the way, I am not super smart or informed and I didn't understand till I started reading up that there is a Pakistani Taliban. I know, you are wanting to reply and tell me the rest of what I don't understand but please don't. That's not why I am writing this blog. Only tell me if I made some gigantic mistaken statement.
To Judy Kenison Cannon, I always think of you when I am banging away on my blog. Please forgive my errors in punctuation, on and on! I probably give you such a headache. I wish you could be my very own professor!
Peace out Peeps. I have to write another blog now.
December 4, 2014
OK... Feeling super festive right now. These are some things I love about the Yuletide Season:
1-Our always Charlie Brown Christmas tree. FRESH! No exceptions. I'd sell my...well I'd sell just about anything in order to have a real tree. Every year I get a new glittery something to add to the tree and their is lots of homemade from school, or nursery kid creations. Our tree has something for everyone!
2-Our wall of Christmas stockings. Every single one of us, grandkids included have hand quilted, and decorated and names crosstiched on the cuff. Every single time, since it was only Greg, Emily and I my darling and lovely and talented friend, her name is Janna, Well everytime there was another kid, their was a new stocking completely different and all the same for every in-law and now grandkids. One year, we got overly excited cleaning up cause we had a new WI game system and we accidentally threw Greg's stocking away. I was pretty distressed. Guess who had a new stocking the next Christmas? Yup.
3-My Mothers Jewelry Chrismas tree. I will explain. She had a friend who took all the costume jewelry she had from like, her whole life, lots of which I remember and she got this ginormous frame, covered the inside with black velvet, glued, in a really awesome fashion all this glittery jewelry into the shape of a Christmas tree, and it even had a starfish pin (so tacky and awesome) on the top. She used this tree as a substitute when she was older and didn't want the work of a regular tree. I put it in her window, in her room for three years when she was in the nursing home. She would never let the nurses plug it in, OH I forgot to tell you that the creater poked holes in the back and poked through lights from top to bottom and so it was real shiny next to the jewels. Anyway's, she would never let the nurses plug it in because then the lights would get used up. I WAS SO FRUSTRATED WITH THIS PART and would try so hard to convince her that I could replace the lights but she was just so freaking set on certain things. When she was pretty far gone and could not really express her wants I told those nurses, turn it on and never turn it off for the whole month. And they didn't. I hope she got some joy out of it's beauty. To my credit, I thought my sister would want it and I offered it to her but she said no. Therefore, I, without guilt have it propped up in all its boisterous, beauty on my piano. It's worth dropping by to see.
4-I love the memory of my Father painstakingly, one by one putting the long, shiny, pain in the butt ice cycles on our family's tree. I don't know how he did it. He had the patience of Job. I would like to think I could do that, cause it would look awesome but I would end up throwing gobs of them on the tree all at once and calling it good. He was so awesome.
5-Christmas tunes! Now, look people, we all know that there is some outstanding Christmas compositions out there and then there are some really really BAD, MUY MALO stuff. It is painful for me to listen to a good percentage on the radio stations, but the good outweighs the bad. I prefer instrumental I think, that is the most peaceful to me and calms my over-wired brain. I just bought the Piano Guys Christmas CD and it is pretty dang awesome. Different, but some of it is absolutely amazing. By the way, I had no idea that John Schmidt was the piano half of the piano guys! He doesn't look like what I had pictured. That was a useless comment, but this is a blog so I can use too many words to express my own self. Josh Groban is my exception to my love of instrumental. He is so dreamy I tell you, then hook him up with Faith Hill and I am fallin' on the floor happy. One of my favorite things in life is a truly fantastic harmony.
6-Tinsel. I know what you are thinking, tinsel is tacky. NO ITS NOT! it just has to be the right kind and hung in the right place. You should see my gold, really retro, like way way old school tinsel I got last year at one of our favorite little shops, The Harmony Shop in Provo. Its so pretty I just stare and stare at it. Small things amuse small minds, and I love tinsel, so put that in your pipe and smoke it!!
7-My replica of the cardboard, with slits and you put it all together and we all got them in primary when we were little. You know the one? Well, we know I have the best most lovely friends and my darling Dana across the street, after getting weary of hearing me year after year yearn after hers, had a copy made somehow and cut it out and made slits and you can see the places where she had taped hers together and that made it all the better! I just love it and it replaced my porcelain nativity scene, which was always just a little uncomfortably fancy for me. I love it and will use it FOREVER! Shout out to Mark and Dana. Thank you again.
8-Lights, duh, everyone loves Christmas lights. I love other peoples lights but I will admit that our own, outside lights which I am in charge of give me a little heart-burn. There is a movie which is a cult classic favorite around here, It is called Mixed Nuts and it is Hillbillyarious I tell you! there are a lot of stars in it and Rita Wilson has a battle with the lights she is trying to put up and I just want to cry cause I relate so well.
9-Christmas movies. Are they not calming and comforting? Some of our favorites are the following:
Mixed Nuts
Elf
The Grinch
Lost in paradise (its naughty but funny)
The Family Stone
Muppet Christmas Carol
White Christmas
HOME ALONE TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE CAUSE IT HAS THE PIGEON LADY AND SHE ROCKS THE SCREEN!
Christmas Vacation (my tradition is to watch this while wrapping presents) its so stupid funny!
Don't you all just quote the Grinch all year long? We do. "Even if we are HORRIBLY mangled, ther'll be no sad faces on Christmas."
10- I Love Jesus. A lot. How I would have gotten through the past year with out God and my Savior I have no idea. I don't think I could have, or if I did I would have come through it a lot more battered, body and spirit. Thanks for all your prayers. No really...THANK YOU.
1-Our always Charlie Brown Christmas tree. FRESH! No exceptions. I'd sell my...well I'd sell just about anything in order to have a real tree. Every year I get a new glittery something to add to the tree and their is lots of homemade from school, or nursery kid creations. Our tree has something for everyone!
2-Our wall of Christmas stockings. Every single one of us, grandkids included have hand quilted, and decorated and names crosstiched on the cuff. Every single time, since it was only Greg, Emily and I my darling and lovely and talented friend, her name is Janna, Well everytime there was another kid, their was a new stocking completely different and all the same for every in-law and now grandkids. One year, we got overly excited cleaning up cause we had a new WI game system and we accidentally threw Greg's stocking away. I was pretty distressed. Guess who had a new stocking the next Christmas? Yup.
3-My Mothers Jewelry Chrismas tree. I will explain. She had a friend who took all the costume jewelry she had from like, her whole life, lots of which I remember and she got this ginormous frame, covered the inside with black velvet, glued, in a really awesome fashion all this glittery jewelry into the shape of a Christmas tree, and it even had a starfish pin (so tacky and awesome) on the top. She used this tree as a substitute when she was older and didn't want the work of a regular tree. I put it in her window, in her room for three years when she was in the nursing home. She would never let the nurses plug it in, OH I forgot to tell you that the creater poked holes in the back and poked through lights from top to bottom and so it was real shiny next to the jewels. Anyway's, she would never let the nurses plug it in because then the lights would get used up. I WAS SO FRUSTRATED WITH THIS PART and would try so hard to convince her that I could replace the lights but she was just so freaking set on certain things. When she was pretty far gone and could not really express her wants I told those nurses, turn it on and never turn it off for the whole month. And they didn't. I hope she got some joy out of it's beauty. To my credit, I thought my sister would want it and I offered it to her but she said no. Therefore, I, without guilt have it propped up in all its boisterous, beauty on my piano. It's worth dropping by to see.
4-I love the memory of my Father painstakingly, one by one putting the long, shiny, pain in the butt ice cycles on our family's tree. I don't know how he did it. He had the patience of Job. I would like to think I could do that, cause it would look awesome but I would end up throwing gobs of them on the tree all at once and calling it good. He was so awesome.
5-Christmas tunes! Now, look people, we all know that there is some outstanding Christmas compositions out there and then there are some really really BAD, MUY MALO stuff. It is painful for me to listen to a good percentage on the radio stations, but the good outweighs the bad. I prefer instrumental I think, that is the most peaceful to me and calms my over-wired brain. I just bought the Piano Guys Christmas CD and it is pretty dang awesome. Different, but some of it is absolutely amazing. By the way, I had no idea that John Schmidt was the piano half of the piano guys! He doesn't look like what I had pictured. That was a useless comment, but this is a blog so I can use too many words to express my own self. Josh Groban is my exception to my love of instrumental. He is so dreamy I tell you, then hook him up with Faith Hill and I am fallin' on the floor happy. One of my favorite things in life is a truly fantastic harmony.
6-Tinsel. I know what you are thinking, tinsel is tacky. NO ITS NOT! it just has to be the right kind and hung in the right place. You should see my gold, really retro, like way way old school tinsel I got last year at one of our favorite little shops, The Harmony Shop in Provo. Its so pretty I just stare and stare at it. Small things amuse small minds, and I love tinsel, so put that in your pipe and smoke it!!
7-My replica of the cardboard, with slits and you put it all together and we all got them in primary when we were little. You know the one? Well, we know I have the best most lovely friends and my darling Dana across the street, after getting weary of hearing me year after year yearn after hers, had a copy made somehow and cut it out and made slits and you can see the places where she had taped hers together and that made it all the better! I just love it and it replaced my porcelain nativity scene, which was always just a little uncomfortably fancy for me. I love it and will use it FOREVER! Shout out to Mark and Dana. Thank you again.
8-Lights, duh, everyone loves Christmas lights. I love other peoples lights but I will admit that our own, outside lights which I am in charge of give me a little heart-burn. There is a movie which is a cult classic favorite around here, It is called Mixed Nuts and it is Hillbillyarious I tell you! there are a lot of stars in it and Rita Wilson has a battle with the lights she is trying to put up and I just want to cry cause I relate so well.
9-Christmas movies. Are they not calming and comforting? Some of our favorites are the following:
Mixed Nuts
Elf
The Grinch
Lost in paradise (its naughty but funny)
The Family Stone
Muppet Christmas Carol
White Christmas
HOME ALONE TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE CAUSE IT HAS THE PIGEON LADY AND SHE ROCKS THE SCREEN!
Christmas Vacation (my tradition is to watch this while wrapping presents) its so stupid funny!
Don't you all just quote the Grinch all year long? We do. "Even if we are HORRIBLY mangled, ther'll be no sad faces on Christmas."
10- I Love Jesus. A lot. How I would have gotten through the past year with out God and my Savior I have no idea. I don't think I could have, or if I did I would have come through it a lot more battered, body and spirit. Thanks for all your prayers. No really...THANK YOU.
November 17, 2014
Balance
Went to a funeral today. Haven't been to one for a year, since my Mom's and that was way different cause I was sort of the boss of it. My Mother left explicit instructions as to how her funeral would go down. I knew all about the hand written instructions, reassured her many times that I had everything in a folder and would carry out all her wishes. Wellllll.... When my Mom died, I went home and went to the folder and opened it up and guess what?? Everything was there in order to get her all buried up in the right spot and all paid for and everything was there EXCEPT her handwritten instructions. They had seriously vanished. I looked and looked and they, and I swear this were always there when I had opened that folder before. They were gone and stayed gone and I never did find them. I think that she had a nice, lovely funeral even without her marching orders. So I figured that gave us license to do as we pleased. She was quite controlling in her life. It made it hard to deal with her when she had to have everything just so. I suppose that was her way of maintaining a secure feeling. I am quite sure she has still not forgiven me for moving her out of her home of 45 years. I was not very sympathetic at the time, what had to be done, had to be done. That was that. Looking at it now, a year later, I get it. I have not had much control over my life during 2014. I went through it all, cause that's what you do. You just do what has to be done. That is no way to lead a life. I really wish I would have spent more time thinking about what we all experienced this past year, because eventually you have to think about it. You have to REALLY think about it, and it is not pleasant and it is damn scary. I fight and fight and fight with myself to stay positive which must be why people are so kind and say I am so strong and that I am inspirational (WHHAAT?) and all that kind of stuff when really they just see me dressed with my fohawk nicely parted and on my feet. They don't know how I have handled any of it, really. They are just seeing me, looking and acting normal. There is no normal anymore. Once you have cancer, every single day is a struggle not to worry. It was suggested to my by one of my life coaches (bahaha) one of my shrinks that is, that I not shoot for having a positive day, but maybe just a realistic day. So, being the excellent client I am, I am taking his advice and shooting for real days. I wish I knew someone like me, someone that is just so much like me that they would just know what I was thinking and feeling. I know, I know, you are all saying that I do, and of course I know that "I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and I love him" I know he is always there. I know that, but sometimes I need a real person right next to me that "gets" me. But then again, maybe, like the funeral of an absolutely stellar individual, I need to think less and just live a little more. The motto of this man was "Work hard, Play hard". When I think of him, I think of three things. First I know this man has a testimony that is second to NONE! He has strengthened my testimony, at girls camp, several years in a row. The second thing I think of is a picture in my mind of him with a toilet plunger, cause trust me, at girls camp, if you sign up as a priesthood leader, you must know your way around the biffy! The third thing I think of when I think of this man is what a hard worker he is. I didn't see much down time for him. He worked hard at girls camp but apparently knew how to play hard also. All I can think of is that he must have been "Too good for this earth". So, as a little shout out to Randy Loveless, I will "work hard, and play hard". I hope to be able to have balance as he did. I hope to be a force for good as he was. Needless to say, I will not be writing out my own funeral plan, accompanist included! Peace out my friends.
August 6, 2014
Read at your own risk. I am writing this for me. Just me. As Holly mentioned in a facebook post, "Chemo leaves a trail". Yes it does. It is very, very common to experience major depression and anxiety when your treatments are over. The doctors don't tell you this and it makes sense that they don't because then you would be anticipating it and setting yourself up for something that might not even affect you. But when it happens, no one who knows anything about cancer treatment is surprised. NO ONE. I don't know why, but I have no warm fuzzy feelings when I hear that it is normal and they all promise it will go away and Hell's Bell's it is a rough row to hoe!
I am well versed in anxiety. I was born anxious and had parents that were really busy with my Hell raising siblings. I was quiet. I stood still, I held still and hoped desperately that someone would notice that I was scared. I think most of my childhood was spent in a suspended state of "What or who is gonna GET me today?" Therefore, I as I became an adult I thought I had the world by a string cause by golly I was going to do things differently. So I had five kids, and shiz, guess what? some of them are pretty anxious at times also. This is what I learned about how I raised my kids. I learned that no matter how much I wanted to protect my children from fear, from hurt, from bad stuff in general, it was not my job to hover over them and wreck my own psyche worrying about them. They are supposed to learn how to deal with bad crap and it is my job to let them while hanging around the edges of their lives, to support them and cheer them on when they struggled with the bullies in this big ol' life. I tried very valiantly and quite successfully to do just the opposite of much of what my parents did and guess what? It was not in my children's best interest because I was doing it for ME! Now, don't get me wrong, I have five extraordinary people as my children and they are all law abiding upstanding citizens and no one is socially retarded or anything like that They are kind, considerate, employed, hug their Mom regularly individuals, but I should have protected them a little less. I should have been late picking them up every once in a while so they would know they could be ok on their own and stuff like that. Having said all that, I don't really have a lot of regret, just a little.
Anyway, as I said before, I am well aquainted with the demon that is "Generalized anxiety" and if you know anything about it, you know that anxiety and depression are good buddies. They don't like to hang without each other, but this I do know, and have a hard, HARD time believing and that is that it always passes. This is my first legitimate go-round with depression and I think I prefer it to anxiety. but both of them together? well that is just not fair!!!! I am so sorry for any and all of you who struggle with either because it's just Hell. That's all, it is just so tough and oh..another thing that Chemo does is turn on your tears! I am so dang stinkin' good at crying now! I seriously didn't even know how but now I do, you better believe me when I tell you that if you are all big and bad and never let your kids see you cry, then they will feel like a freak when THEY cry. They might think that they are baby-whimpy-whimps. They are not and neither are you. It takes courage to cry right out loud. It takes courage to let people know when you need help. It takes courage to get up every day and face whatever it is that seems to beat crap out of you. Other people want to cry more than they do, probably just like you do. You are not the only one.
My mother-in-law whom I adored in life and now, said that phrase that we all either get really pissed if someone says it to us, or, we take it into our hearts, and our brains. At first I was real immature and got irritated when she said it, but one day I realized this: SHE KNOWS MORE THAN ME!!!! And after that I knew she was right almost all the time. Wanna know what she said? She said "This too shall pass" This too. So....what....are you mad or do you believe my awesome Aussie Mama?
I am well versed in anxiety. I was born anxious and had parents that were really busy with my Hell raising siblings. I was quiet. I stood still, I held still and hoped desperately that someone would notice that I was scared. I think most of my childhood was spent in a suspended state of "What or who is gonna GET me today?" Therefore, I as I became an adult I thought I had the world by a string cause by golly I was going to do things differently. So I had five kids, and shiz, guess what? some of them are pretty anxious at times also. This is what I learned about how I raised my kids. I learned that no matter how much I wanted to protect my children from fear, from hurt, from bad stuff in general, it was not my job to hover over them and wreck my own psyche worrying about them. They are supposed to learn how to deal with bad crap and it is my job to let them while hanging around the edges of their lives, to support them and cheer them on when they struggled with the bullies in this big ol' life. I tried very valiantly and quite successfully to do just the opposite of much of what my parents did and guess what? It was not in my children's best interest because I was doing it for ME! Now, don't get me wrong, I have five extraordinary people as my children and they are all law abiding upstanding citizens and no one is socially retarded or anything like that They are kind, considerate, employed, hug their Mom regularly individuals, but I should have protected them a little less. I should have been late picking them up every once in a while so they would know they could be ok on their own and stuff like that. Having said all that, I don't really have a lot of regret, just a little.
Anyway, as I said before, I am well aquainted with the demon that is "Generalized anxiety" and if you know anything about it, you know that anxiety and depression are good buddies. They don't like to hang without each other, but this I do know, and have a hard, HARD time believing and that is that it always passes. This is my first legitimate go-round with depression and I think I prefer it to anxiety. but both of them together? well that is just not fair!!!! I am so sorry for any and all of you who struggle with either because it's just Hell. That's all, it is just so tough and oh..another thing that Chemo does is turn on your tears! I am so dang stinkin' good at crying now! I seriously didn't even know how but now I do, you better believe me when I tell you that if you are all big and bad and never let your kids see you cry, then they will feel like a freak when THEY cry. They might think that they are baby-whimpy-whimps. They are not and neither are you. It takes courage to cry right out loud. It takes courage to let people know when you need help. It takes courage to get up every day and face whatever it is that seems to beat crap out of you. Other people want to cry more than they do, probably just like you do. You are not the only one.
My mother-in-law whom I adored in life and now, said that phrase that we all either get really pissed if someone says it to us, or, we take it into our hearts, and our brains. At first I was real immature and got irritated when she said it, but one day I realized this: SHE KNOWS MORE THAN ME!!!! And after that I knew she was right almost all the time. Wanna know what she said? She said "This too shall pass" This too. So....what....are you mad or do you believe my awesome Aussie Mama?
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