March 18, 2014

Bring on the Chemo Cocktail Royale oh dear ones at the Chemo Zone. It really is a cocktail you know. They take you med by med and tell you what it is for, give it to you very slowly the first round so as to avoid any sudden nasty reactions. It takes 4-6 hours the first time, always with a Oncologist just around the corner.  My Oncologists name is Nathan Rich. He is cool, he is smart, he is real, he has no ego and he comes HIGHLY recommended and I like him alot.  He waited until I was all the way, (well as well as can be expected) to start my Chemo.  It is most important to start withing 8 weeks of surgery and I am starting at 7 so I don't feel like a loser or anything for not starting sooner. I couldn't anyway. He and his team of lovely nurses and staff have done everything possible to get me ready for this in every way.  My port was accessed yesterday, that means its hooked up and ready to roll. I love my port, it is an absolute lifesaver and saver of pain and veins and ohhh so much already.  My port has a name, her name is Penelope.  I have a little corner on my surgical site, I have an expander in, its like a hyper-tytanium implant, ok, its more like canvas, anyway everything is round except this little corner and it makes me grin everyweek when I go in for my little drainage procedure to see it just bug CRAP out of him. His name is Mark Jensen, just another one of my team of Hero's.
Anyway he always says, "We'll take care of that later" but you can see the perfectionism in him just oozing out, poor guy.  So this little corner also has a name and this HIGHLY amused my sort of quiet surgeon. Her name is Marla, (named graciously after Marla Hootch in "A league of their own" sort of out of place but turns out "Two thumbs up!". Glad I could make him laugh. He is also just the best, as is his office staff.

I expect this will be a ride. I expect I won't love it, I am a little nervous, but this business is the business of curing.  I refuse to think of Chemo as poison. It is medicine. I think of tiny flowers with big bad mouths flowing down my veins and "doing their worst" which is their best.

Till later my peeps, thanks for reading. Peace out.

March 12, 2014

Not feeling very brave. I was reading all these bio's of cancer survivors that had been interviewed, and I was feeling Super-unbrave but then I realized that everyone of them are on the other end of the fight and I have just stepped into the ring so It's ok if I'm not brave.  I also came to the realization today that i need to stop being pissed about the whole dreadful hospital ordeal because hey...prayers and prayers, and prayers work and they...the prayers and the Doctors, nurses, on and on saved my life although I thought for sure they were killing me.

Maybe I will be brave tomorrow.  But for tonight, I am goin' with my own tweaked quote: "That which does not kill us makes us wish we were dead"

Bahahaha I crack myself up! Peace out my homies:)

March 7, 2014

Bet you didn't know that when you are getting all geared up for the fun that is Chemotherapy, they have you go in and they teach you very carefully about what it is, what it does, what it does not, what it causes, on and on and it was pretty interesting.  They first have you watch a video where a real pretty girl which has obvi never HAD chemo tells you a bunch of stuff. Well the deal is, that she said the word "Chemotherapy" so many times in the fifteen minute video that it started sounding really funny to me and she must have said it, like 3 dozen times.She was careful to point out that Chemo is not the enemy. I have been working for weeks on a visual of the chemo surging in through my Power Port and wreaking havoc, in a good way, on my cancer cells, and my non-cancer cells since chemo does not distinguish. So since the video chick was so kind and helpful I decided to work up a little acronym for the much overused know the one, CHEMOTHERAPY.

C--cheerful, chuckling, cancer cells, ha, they don't know whats about to hit em!
H--hair, like, who needs it anyway?
E--Excercise. is a brilliant excuse for the lack thereof as I will be working hard at staying     
      upright!  that is excercise enough for this girl right now.
M--Many, much, mega, medications! this is good, some of them have it in for me, some will
      save me   from the very unpleasant side effects of this wonderful chemo I get to have so I don't
     die prematurely.
O--Ordinary. I say this because everyday, I thank God for my ordinary, most common type      of breast cancer. My docs can treat this in their sleep! So ordinary cancer....ordinary chemo. (PLEASE)!
T--Tricksters.  Chemo goes after all your cells, however, cancer cells are slower to recover therefore   my white cells and red ones and platelets will zoom ahead of the recovering cancer cells and kick buttocks. Tricky? Yup.
H--Hell. Already did that. Someone whispered in my ear when I was inpatient "Maybe this is God's   way of letting you know that chemo isn't that bad" brilliant ey?
E--Electrifying. I will forge ahead and imagine those chemicals lighting up my whole self. It        could happen:)
R--Run. I will not run away from the hospital, from the 'Chemo Zone' on the other hand I might walk sort of slowly and not use the valet parking.
A--Awesome, which is what my whole dang medical team is.  I believe them when they say they will get me through this and that I can call 24/7 and no one will be put out. They are the best. Shout out to my PCP Nikki Clark for hooking me up with the best! It ain't what'cha know, it's who you know.
P--Pray, pray, and pray some more. Even chemotherapy needs divine intervention:)
Y--Yes. I believe the word 'yes' has power. I cant explain this but that's ok. So we will march through this new world and we will say 'yes', alot. Just have to trust me on this one.

I love you all so much. I love you even if you are a complete stranger. LOVE HEALS<3
Too tired to make sure I spelled and left no letters out of the word so don't judge me!

March 6, 2014

I am coming right out and freely admitting  to the world that I love TV!!!  I have never once in my life said the words I hear repeatedly on and on and on "I don't have time for TV"  I secretly think some of you are saying a big fat lie! Anyway, of course there have been times that I did not see Oprah for like four years or something, and that I didn't watch Greys till they were in season 5 or Friday Night Lights till all five seasons were on DVD but, I am saying that I like them! They let me escape a little. I am not so much the spiritual giant that you might think I am. When I was in the hospital, I turned on the TV when I was conscious enough and never turned it off, not once in a million days. I kept it on with no sound if I was actually allowed to sleep which was extremely rare. It was  no ones fault that I was never left alone for more than 20 minutes in sixteen days, when they are taking really good care of you and doing everything on earth to help you get well, it is very time consuming.  I did have one errant IV pump that I swear to you, for 24 hours just went off about every 20 minutes and I tell you I got so psycho that I just about took that pump out and the three others with it!  It was awful! I was in there all during the Olympics which were just as boring as can be but my side-kick Greg, liked them so I just sort of zoned.  He was the best. You guys don't even know how amazing my husband is cause he is quiet and sort of scary. He has taken over my life, cause I cant make my brain work yet. He is the bestest ever and I adore him. Anyway, today I was at my Oncologist and they were scheduling all these different appts. for me and then they highlighted the dates and the page was like a WHOLE PAGE and that was the moment I knew I was getting better (from the hospital) cause I looked at it and exclaimed rather loudly "Oh my gosh, I must have cancer!" Made 'em laugh down there in the Chemo zone.  Hey...I didn't see any TV's in there!

March 1, 2014

It is late. I am all cozy in my bed with my buddy snoring away beside me.  I am ok with snoring now. I am also all hooked up to my night time buddy, called Oxygen.  Tonight before the drugs kick in it is imperative that I write a bit of what I have been feeling about big kids. Not the little gooey, chubby, warm kisses, jelly covered kind, which are all divine, but you know, those kids grow up, and they are no less extraordinary.  They are who God gives you in return for all those zillions of sleepless nights, barf clean-ups that go from one side of the bathroom to the other, the worries, the sassing, the chasing the sasser down and whacking them one, the endless trips to and from everywhere until they drive, the "I don't really like that kid" lectures, the calls from the school, good or bad and on and on. These are the kids who were ages one to twelve, who are now fifteen to twenty-seven. These are the kids who climbed right into the trenches with me through an awful illness. They all had their own ways of dealing with me. No two the same at all yet all of them saved me. They saved my sanity and still do. They remind me that I have faith when I forget what the word even means. They know how much to push without pushing to hard. They are the best huggers and kissers and they are my reward.  I love my grand-kids like crazy, but they didn't 'go to the mats' with me like my Five.  I have been home from the hospital for ten days and they expect nothing of me. They have patience when I don't. They love me when I am irrational and crying and sure someone will make me go back to the hospital. They are able to see the big picture when it is too big for me to glance at. They say there is nothing stronger than a Mothers love, I beg to differ.